the most impressive scene in any spy movie is in Casino Royale when james bond is in a hotel shower and knows immediately how to use it.
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Me: it’s cold and wet.
Wipers: want me to smear the rain all over so you can’t see?
Me: n-no.
Defroster: I’ll fog every window in this car.
Me: why?
Windshield: here’s a small spot above the steering wheel to look through.
Me:
Windshield: I’m gonna need you to hunch over.
I want to go on the record by saying I love my family but if I have to spend any longer with them you’ll be seeing me on the 6 o’clock news.
Interviewer: And your references?
Me: 90’s television mostly.
I never eat coins in front of vending machines because I don’t want them to fall in love with me.
“Dad, these glasses make everything look much bigger!”
*Snatches glass and hands to my wife
[commercial for tupperware]
Are you done with that food, but would rather throw it away in 3 weeks rather than right now?
– Tupperware
Ever misread a tweet and think someone is being sarcastic so you laugh and retweet them only to realize later they weren’t being sarcastic and are really bat-shit crazy? Yeah, me neither.
Hollywood hasn’t remade Spiderman in a couple weeks. I hope they’re okay.
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
Everybody please go potty because after we rob this bank we’re not gonna stop again for a while
My date didn’t go as planned and now I don’t know what to do with this kiddie pool full of nacho cheese.
don’t let your artist friends wander off by themselves. you never know what they’ll agree to
Her: you take nice selfies
Me: so I’m vain
Her: no you’re photogenic
Me: oh so I’m ugly in real life
Her: just say thanks
Me: oh so I’m rude
Watching The Blair Witch Project. They brought no alcohol or drugs?
Nice try girl with a great job and is mentally stable…
Hello crazy chick with anger issues and a knife collection.
Dad-confession: it took me two pulls to get the mower started today. No one saw it, but I feel I’ve gotta be honest and accountable to all of you when I fall short.
Aaaa…CHOO!
Oops, I ate my feelings again.
~ a memoir
You are probably horrified by my wardrobe
Turns out my cleaner is on Elm St
Should not be a surprise
I miss the days when people thought I was gross for liking cottage cheese. Now you guys are blending it up and eating it with raw Brussels sprouts and mustard? You need to cool it. Right now.
Look, I know you really miss her. But, you know what? Sometimes things aren’t meant to be. One time I really wanted this waffle….
Ghostbusters commercial: who you gonna call?
Ghost haunting me: [looks at me nervously]
Me: lmao like you’re scarier than a phone call
Do you ever wake up.
Kiss the person beside you, and just be thankful to be alive.I did.
Not really appreciated on flights apparently
God: you’re a pack animal.
Wolf: what does that mean?
God: it means you live with other wolves.
Wolf: like all the time?
God: yep!
Wolf: d-do I have to?
God:
Wolf:
God:
Wolf: [slides $20 across table].
God: [pockets money] you’re a lone wolf.
Wolf: yay : )
If you are going to microwave your steak in a cast iron skillet, make sure you season the skillet by running it through the dishwasher at least 3 times
My life hack? If you buy a Rubik’s cube and never touch it they’ll never know you can’t solve it.
[getting a number at a bar]
girl: 1-235-813-2134
Fibonacci: you could’ve just said you weren’t interested
Me: I’ve installed a sensor to let me know when there’s any social awkwardness in the air
Michael Cera:
Sensor: *bursts into flames*
i don’t really hate you but if you were falling off a cliff
i would be waving good bye
Me: I think I’m just scared of change.
Therapist: *flips a quarter*
Me: *screams*