When I am president, it will be legal to grab the waists of slow and distracted pedestrians on cell phones and race them along.
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haha of course i know how to pronounce marchioness of cholmondeley but you go first
Cute skinny girls wearing weird mismatched clothes: hot quirky hipsters
Me wearing weird mismatched clothes: homeless lady from the 80s
A “Mouse potato” is someone who spends a lot of time at a computer.
After reading his last talk to text message, I’m convinced I’m married to a pirate.
4-year-old: What happens if I microwave 5 Barbies?
Me: That’s an oddly specific question.
4: I already know what happens if I do it with 4
[Texting from the deepest void of Hell]
Yeah I’ll be there in 5 minutes
My mother always cooked with wine
while I was growing up back home.Occasionally she would even add
some to whatever she was cooking.
Why do authors subtitle their books, “A Novel”. Did someone look at their book one day and say “I thought this was a sandwich?”
Free pizza at work got me like “Fine, I’ll come back on Monday”.
Boss: i’m taking off today. if nothing urgent happens you can leave 2 hours early.
me: thanks!
server, 10 mins before I could leave early: hey – hi. *cough. dies*
We’re finally out of lockdown!!!
Spare a thought for Melbourne waxing business on Wednesday morning. They gonna see some scary shit.
That fire is totally ignoring the no-smoking sign
unstable person: “jet fuel doesn’t melt steel beams, 9/11 was an inside job”
stable person: “i look after horses”
I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.
I take back everything bad I’ve ever said about the Welsh
Him: Do you want to run away with me?
Me: We won’t actually be running, right?
I was drunk wrapping presents so if anyone gets my DNR bracelet I need it back.
My doctor told me to avoid unnecessary stress, so I stopped going to doctors.
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people that use birth control and the people that step on Legos at 3am.
I’m not ashamed of my past. Well, except for that time I used the word snazzy.
[sees kid crying in the mall]
“What’s wrong?”
“I’m lost.”
“You’re in the mall you little idiot.”
In an alternate universe there is only one movie about falling in love, but thousands about swapping faces with John Travolta.
*goes out*
*realises why I stay in.*
1978 was all about running home when the street lights came on and dressing in the closet so my Shaun Cassidy posters didn’t see me naked…
We should call them Whether Men, because they don’t know whether or not it’s going to rain, get it? That’s a good one.
Power went out in the house so the family and I sat on the couch and talked.
We learned we actually have stuff in common. Like, we all hate that the power was out.
Tried belly dancing but ended up looking like an insect about to die.
Mazda’s marketing slogan is “We Build Mazdas.” They decided on it after rejecting others like: “Mazdas Are Cars” and “Buy Mazdas With Money”
Why are ghosts always just moaning? Did your manners die too? Use your words!
Snowboarding in Japan hits differently.