911: what’s your emergency
me: my neighbors gone crazy, he’s screaming about superman and dragging his wife around by the hand.
911: what’s his location?
me: he’s 3 doors down
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Me: Do you do any Iron Maiden?
Carol singers: no
My husband and I often laugh about how competitive we are, but I laugh more.
The crows are royally pissed off about something this morning and I’m thinking about flying up there and joining.
A Guy Doing Push Ups ‘One.. Two.. Three..’
*A Girl Passes by..*
Guy: “82.. 83.. 84..”
Did it hurt? When you saw the candy you bought yesterday going half price
Saw an ad for a supplement that said it adds years on to your life. This life? Are we talking about the same one?
Gentle reminder to send that good morning text so she doesn’t have to draw on her angry eyebrows.
Someone tweeted today that they were “29-ish” and I didn’t know you could “ish” 15 years.
The old lady ringing me up at the store got frustrated w/ the barcode on my cheese not working so she just gave it to me for free…she is now sole beneficiary of my Will
If my wife thinks I won’t pick a fight in public because the waitress is uncomfortable, well she’s just wrong about that.
Do regular squirrels think flying squirrels are super heroes??!
drinking water in front of my plants so they remember who the breadwinner is
How many people out here using bar soap? I don’t think my kids would even be able to identify it
Christmas is great! You can sit on the lap of a total stranger and no one is offended.
The urge to say “yeah you should do that”, especially when you have no clue.
being a parent of toddlers means looking up, discovering scribbles on the ceiling, shrugging, and continuing to drink your coffee.
my cat just woke up, accused me of a crime, and went back to sleep
War & Peace wasn’t written to be downloaded on your iPad, Carol. Tolstoy wrote it for you to carry around and impress people with.
$19.99 because $20 is an outrageous amount of money!
Me: *Holding a fist full of lit sparklers* How much for the aggressive incense?
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
“Welcome to Panda Express”
“I’d like one panda”
“Sorry we don’t sell pand-”
*slips cashier $100*
“Meet me in the back alley in ten minutes”
*son wants to go to water park*
*bring him to water park*
*starts raining*
*he starts crying..because he’s getting wet*this is why I drink
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And I’m terrible with decisions, so I went home.
Weird how all salons are closed on Sundays, yet if you can convincingly fake a heart attack, paramedics will shave your chest-hair for free.
When life hands you women, make women laid.
Me food shopping alone: $250.00
Food shopping w/the husband: $99.75
Food shopping with the kids: $699.00
My children wanted to name our 2 guinea pigs Guinea and Piggie, so it is a certainty I will have future grandchildren named Girl and Boy.
Me: Try to make a sandwich while doing a handstand.
Genie: That’s not really a wish, you know.
Me: I said handstandwich!
TARGET GUY: anything I can help you find?
ME: I’m looking for *eyes turn black* BLOOD OF THE INNOCENT
TARGET GUY: *eyes turn black* AISLE 5