I’m sorry this birthday cake suffered a severe accident where my hand fell into it and a chunk of it filled my mouth.
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For introverts, the worse kind of head-on collision is running directly into the person we’re avoiding at the grocery store
I love how popular barn weddings are…because nothing says marriage like horse shit.
Sweet. Free refrigerators!
[me talking to someone one year younger than me]
listen, kid…
I wish my ears would visibly lay back like a cats when I’m pissed off so people would know when to leave me the hell alone.
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape of an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
The first thing you must do when arriving at any beach is write I AM OKAY in rocks just to let any planes passing overhead know that you don’t need rescuing.
You can tell they named the aardvark early in the week and the anteater on a Friday.
Me: you tellin me a shrimp fried this rice lol
Benihana Chef: ha ha
Shrimp Under Chef’s Hat: he knows too much
Boy: *Kissing girl on couch* You wanna take this upstairs?
Girl: Hehe sure baby
Boy: Sweet! Grab the other end, I can’t carry it by myself
The Pillsbury Doughboy is a goddam monster who sacrifices his own people so that he can get a finger poke.
Corona-na-na-na-na Corona-na-na-na-na MASK MAAAAAN
One night stand because my bedroom is narrow.
so it’s mythic and sexy when sirens lead men to their deaths at sea with song, but when I do it, it’s all “how did you even do that” and “what the hell”
I’m going to sit here and wink at you. It’s going to be a very long wink. With both eyes. Please, by all means, go on with your story.
[restaurant]
RACCOON (in trench coat): one egg
WAITER: one egg? *suspicious* you’re not from around here, are you?
RACCOON: t-two eggs?
WAITER: ah yes, that’s a normal quantity of eggs
RACCOON: *excitedly* five eggs!
WAITER: *eyes narrow*
Me: “Jesus, please make me a better person…”
Jesus: *deletes my account*
Me: “NOT LIKE THAT!”
I put my baby on the baby changing station in the bathroom and when I was done, it was the same baby. 🙁
Calories don’t count – no one taught them Math.
Gonna say don’t look a gift horse in any orifice
Jurassic World: A generically modified smart 50 ft monster has turned violent and this, for some reason, took people by surprise.
Once a year you should legally be allowed to end someone else’s date. Just hand them a card that says “Overheard you two talking and it’s imperative for humankind that you don’t pursue this further. Thanks.”
THE NEWS: gas prices are at an all time high
ME: *hasn’t left my house in over 2 years* oh no
[castle wall]
KNIGHT: the enemy is advancing
ME: *panicking* close the gates! man your battle stations!
KNIGHT: their chariots are pulled by puppies
ME: keep the gates half open. let’s see how this plays out
If you didn’t get called to a meeting with your 5-yr-old son’s principal because he was inviting girls to his “naked party,” you aren’t me.
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
the squirrels are playing dodgeball with acorns again, must be mating season
Fun Fact: The one thing that married couples always agree on is that most fights are started by their spouse.