You when you started twitter vs. you now.
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FYI –
Lisa on FB has cramps but is still going to yoga.I’ll keep you all posted.
Ways to make your woman happy.
1. Cook for her.
2. Surprise her with hugs & kisses.
3. Hide a lion in her apartment then rescue her.
*breaks out of prison
*hunted by police for weeks
*crawls thru 22 miles of mud to your house*
Me: <taps on your window> DID YOU GET MY TEXT?
sure nickleback is great but have you guys ever heard of quarterback? they’re like 5 times better
Who the hell buys furniture online? Why would you buy a chair or couch you can’t even sit in? What if it has burlap cushions stuffed w/hay?
May god have mercy on the soul of the person who takes this job
periods should last only 15 mins. like thanks for letting me know im not pregnant, now you can leave the doors that way.
If anyone wants to know how WWIII will actually start…. 🤣
People in horror movies be like “this weapon just saved my life, I’m gonna toss it aside now”
On your first day in prison, make sure you go up to the warden and compliment the décor.
When people ask “Are you high right now?”
It’s like asking someone “Are you happy and relaxed right now?” in a concerned voice.
Bad news: pulled a muscle. Good news: implied presence of muscle …
MY DAD: Foreigners in this country need to learn English.
ALSO MY DAD: I heard you got a new hi-bird car.
The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.
So it turns out that you can’t use Cool Whip as shaving cream, apparently.
Narrator: Ursula needed 3 stitches in an undisclosed location.
If you don’t know the right way to bend your knees and lower yourself for exercise purposes then you don’t know squat.
Going to get a facial today… this guy on Craigslist is offering a way lower price than the salon!
A polite way to signal to your guests that it’s time to leave is to start the dishwasher, turn off all the lights, and go brush your teeth.
[in church]
“And Jesus, our saviour, died on the cross for your sins.”
[vicar points directly at me & entire congregation collectively nods]
We’re watching a true crime show here about women who kill their husbands and my wife is taking notes. Omg I think she wants to be a detective, you guys.
Me: But nothing comes out when you move your lips just a bunch of gibberish, you mother fu-
Friend: WHAT ARE YOU SAYING TO MY BABY?!
If you tell me that something is just a hop, skip, and a jump away, I’m not going. That’s exercise.
SHARK WEEK: JAWS
shark weak: dentures
My coworker carries around a rosary in his hand so that if he gets caught sleeping he can say he was praying
My Dad has accidentally bought 60 pairs of reading glasses off the internet after misreading the quantity of his order.
If you hit an iceberg, you’ll know because Celine Dion will start playing
[Car at red lights]
ME *starts fiddling with the radio*HOT WOMAN: *pulls up alongside me*
ME: *slowly lowers the fiddle*
I just googled “Is there really cowbell in the actual song Don’t Fear the Reaper?” and my first response was, “Go outside and do something.”
Yo. I spit out my drink 😂
Day 1 of healthy eating
So good to be eating healthily again. I feel fitter and better in myself already
Day 2 of healthy eating
I miss cheese so much I want to cry. I’ve forgotten the taste of chocolate. Vegetables taste of sadness and resentment. I’ve never known such misery