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People with FB statuses like, “I’m so angry right now”, then when someone says, “What’s up?” they reply, “I’ll text you.” WHAT ABOUT US?
Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.
I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.
Superman comfortably getting dressed in a phone booth indicates he had the body of a 10th grader.
I’m going commando for Valentines day. He’s going to be so surprised when I parachute into his yard and blow up his house.
jeff bezos: i don’t like it when people say i look like an alien
therapist: well you did exploit earth’s resources
bezos: so that i can build my spaceship
therapist:
bezos: *licks eyeball*
DAMMIT!
-me, trying to put my hand in a fake pocket for the 80th time today
They’re called violin bows not fiddle sticks.
Captain: I’m really nervous about giving this speech.
Sun, rubbing his shoulders: Don’t worry, big guy. You got this.
[comes home from a day away]
Kids: Guess what we did today?!?
Me: Played monopoly, ate pizza, painted, cut paper, had ice cream.
Kids: How’d you know?!?
Me: *looking at everything out* Lucky guess
Make healthier choices. Steal from Whole Foods.
[jumps in getaway car after bank robbery]
“They said no I couldn’t have any money”
Damn it, they make it look so easy in the movies
*remembers company is coming*
*checks all the garbage cans, switching out Walmart bags for real trash bags like some sort of rich person*
WIFE: what’s going on?
ME: [locking the door] I haven’t had an apple in 3 days
DOCTOR: [outside, stethoscope in hand] I can hear u breathing
therapist: these people who think you’re “funny” *takes off his glasses* are they in the room with us right now?
If I was a magician I’d ask someone in the audience for a $20 bill and then just run away. You could prob make like $40 doing that.
Last week: Plague.
Today: Tornado Watch.
Monday: Frogs. Just watch. It’ll be frogs.
Anyone have a recipe for chocolate covered strawberries?
Texts should come with a decoder ring, because wtf do you mean by “hey…”
how did ur grandpa get dementia and forget EVERYTHING except the racism
Me irl
People who prefer ketchup over mustard are annoying because as soon as you say you like mustard, they go on and on about how much they hate it. Like, okay. You have the same flavor palette you had when you were 5 but that doesn’t mean you should insult what I put in my coffee.
The vaccine is amazing, but it will not make you magnetic. The only way to get magnetized is to stand at the top of a lighthouse wearing a mysterious amulet during an eclipse
I say: ‘Pls watch that pothole’.
My son hears: ‘Pls drive through that pothole with the force of a thousand jackhammers’.
I’m afraid my neighbors are starting to notice that I can’t tell them apart but greet each of their dogs by name.
When 9 pisses off 7 then 7 flips him off with his ring finger. Then I laugh, 9 gets upset and I really shouldn’t be a parent.
A reporter is just a porter who forgot to get all the bags the first time
[first day at seminary]
PRIEST: today we’ll be discussing judeo christian practices
ME: when do we learn kicks and takedowns
PRIEST: *rubs bridge of nose*
When people say they are fairly certain, I immediately picture a county fair, and imagine clowns were involved in their decision making process.
Lice is the herpes of kindergarten.