Son: “You didn’t have YouTube or Minecraft when you were a kid? What did you do?”
*flashback to peeling dried glue off my hand*
Me: “Stuff.”
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“..all the king’s horses & all the king’s men couldn’t get Humpty together again”
*raises hand*
What guy thought horses might figure it out?
If you have teenagers, the perfect spot to hide your alcohol is wherever you keep your cleaning supplies.
“Notice the way he uses colors.”
“How??”
It’s so hot at work I need to wear as little clothes as possible without being sent to HR
[things I worry about on vacation]
1) Getting eaten by a shark
2) Worrying that I didn’t get eaten by a shark because it assumed I tasted funny
plot twist: satan sold his soul to me
ME: I have an appointment for 1:30
RECEPTIONIST: may I have your last name?
ME: omg *tearing up* yes, I’ll marry you
I applied for a loan from the U.S. Government, but was turned down because I had a legitimate repayment plan
the holes in my logic are there so it can breathe
You’re not a mistake.
Mistakes can be fixed.You’re hopeless.
I need to get my HR lady, mom and girlfriend together so they can more efficiently scrutinize my every move and thought.
Before couples have children, they should walk head-on into a Category 5 hurricane to make sure they’re ready.
ME: today will be a good day
PINKY TOE SOCK SEAM: lol
my father: enjoying the marching band?
me: yes 🙂
my father: when you grow up will you be the savior of the broken, beaten, and damned and defeat your demons & nonbelievers? cuz one day i’ll leave you, a phantom to-
me: feels like youve got some of your own stuff going on here
Woman: I love a man with an accent
Mán: Well hello there
“Hey Alexa, didn’t I unplug you?”
Alexa: *cackles maniacally*
Some of these fake tans look like an old Tupperware container that’s had marinara sauce in it.
Just got off the phone with my mom. She had a nice talk.
Someone once decided that if you wanted a quick wedding, it should be officiated by an Elvis impersonator
THAT is an influencer
I wish there were glasses to protect me from all your blurry eclipse pics.
I am so used to automatic doors at work that when I come across one I have to physically open I just stand there like a dummy
I am a wild, sexually-charged woman in my prime. I know exactly what my body needs & just how to get it.
*goes to bed at 5pm*
I have patio furniture in the friend zone.
Who named it an army ant and not a combatant?
Hey is it just me or is there another two-letter pronoun used to refer to oneself as the object of a verb or preposition?
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia
*throws dash of glitter in with the credit card bill* payback, baby
I’d like to meet a failed scientist, like I do writers.
“I science on the weekends and for free sometimes. I think of it more as a hobby.”
Waitress: Is everything ok?
Me: WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD?
I finally found the horrific smell in my house. It turns out I have toddlers.