[Applebee’s, 49 BC]
waiter: what would you like, sir
Caesar: gimme that salad named after someone famous *wink, wink*
waiter: *hands him a Cobb salad*
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I think playing Zelda gave me unrealistic expectations of how much of my neighbors’ pottery I can smash
I accidentally texted my wife with voice recognition…while playing the trombone
Do lady dolphins ever get tattoos of 19-yr-old community college students?
The year is 3250 and scientists were able to extract the data from an old cell phone, dated around 2022, that they found in an archeological dig. They came to the conclusion that humans didn’t used to own clothes judging by all the naked pictures found in this phone.
There’s a tiktok ad I keep seeing that’s like “STOP SPENDING $200 ON SUNGLASSES.” Ok done. Easiest task I’ve ever been given
in case you thought I was an intellect know that I almost threw away a carrot because it touched the ground
My face when someone is offended by something super offensive I said to them:
INTERVIEWER: what do you consider your greatest strength
ME: …
INTERVIEWER: …
ME (38 minutes later): I’d say promptness
With dog videos it’s just “I love you,” but with cat videos there’s betrayal, intrigue, deception, hubris, conspiracy, infamy and occasionally “I love you.”
Cyanide smells like almonds, so I keep a bottle of almond extract on me at all times to keep people on their toes.
my bf told me i have too many hats so i laid them all out and gently explained each one is a slightly different color and therefore warranted
BUNNIES: I love hopping!
SNAKE WITH BUNNY EARS ON A POGO STICK: Haha yes, but shouldn’t we get home and check on our delicious babies?
ME: I can’t believe it’s not butter
FRIEND: This is a shoe
ME: Omg I can’t believe it
Your 20s: stop eating bread for 1 day, lose 5 pounds
Your 40s: stop eating for 1 day, gain 5 pounds
Though he came from a long line of spoons, Sammy Spork always noticed a slight resemblance to Mom’s friend Frank, the fork living next door.
I saw a woman I work with in line at the pharmacy and instinctively said “hey what are you here for?” She blushed and didn’t respond in case you’re wondering about my ability to create awkward situations
what if eric trump is actually a nigerian prince
I just start doing the Macarena when I want to end conversations now.
Thought a guy on a bicycle was doing a fist pump so I almost did one back until I realized he was just really enthusiastic about turning right
Stop picking up fawns.
You are not a Disney princess.
And even if you are, don’t.
My wife keeps telling me I need glasses
but I prefer to drink right out of the bottle
me: correct me if I’m wrong-
the internet: sir, we will correct you even if you’re right
Next week my wife and I are going to Chicago to celebrate our anniversary. If you are around, want to meet and catch up, please let me know so I can avoid you.
My wife and I will be sleeping.
Always live on the bottom floor it’s further from heaven and harder for God to see you sinning
I’ve known my dog for 11 years but she still eats like I’m going to steal it from her
Throw stones at people who live in glass houses. They won’t throw them back because they’ve been told their whole life that they shouldn’t.
We’re starting this social distancing thing as a family of six but given how everyone is getting along on day one, we might end up a family of four.
I was just on a date with a woman and, while showing me a video on her phone, saw she received a text that said “well, looks aren’t everything.” Oof
centaur: *falls down* I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: agh I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
who called it a palindrome and not a palindnilap