Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If Bruno Mars had a sex change operation would he change his name to Bruno Venus?
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Autocorrect changed car battery to car buttery and it slipped out of my fingers and caused an accident on I-25.
All right stop, coagulate and thicken
[First date] You didn’t google the menu before you came to the restaurant? This isn’t going to work.
I can’t tell if Michael Cera is actually an actor, or just an awkward guy who keeps wandering onto film sets and does his best to fit in.
Me in my 20s: SEVEN MORE SHOTS AND THEN TACO BELL!
Me in my 40s: I have moderate hip pain & I believe I may have swallowed some hair
Just said “No you can’t have an apple because you’ll spoil the pizza that’s being delivered very soon.”
I shouldn’t be allowed to parent.
Aww, I feel bad for never letting you win. Here, you can have my Playstation, my Xbox 360, and my Nintendo Switch!
*sniff* Don’t try to console me
I enjoy reading, long walks on the beach, and getting myself into situations where the only way out is to fake my own death.
I wear a cape because I’m Super Broke
I bet if Aquaman and Jesus had a fight, Jesus would walk all over him.
I’m a kid at heart, an old man at my joints and dead at the pancreas
“no animal except humans drinks the milk of another animal” cool, no animal except humans has netflix either, what’s your point
HOW COME YOU NEVER HEAR THUNDER AROUND LIGHTNING BUGS?
and the Oscar for best actor goes to me for sitting at my desk and pretending to work
Wearing shades inside makes me look cool, right?
*Trips over the cat*
One time I was teaching a guy how to use the stump grinder and he said no worries it’s just a machine they pretty much all run the same. And I was like wow that’s a great point I really admire that. And then he ran it through a shed
I stole a friend’s phone today and set it so it will autocorrect “I’ve” to “me’ve” and me’m really excited about it.
Law enforcement’s cracking down on texting while driving, but there’s no law against standing up and playing saxophone through your sunroof.
[texting old friend I only hung out with cuz they had a trampoline] do u still got that trampoline
How come nobody’s made an anti-depressant called “Les Miserables”?
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
Parents,
Have you ever tried to go a whole day just saying yes to everything your kid wants or asks for and if so what time did your house burn down? Was it 10am or earlier?
Oh, hey guys how were the bars tonight? That’s cool. In case you were wondering all of the Harry Potter movies are still really good.
[After sitting for a portrait for 18 hours] Where’s the artist?
Who called it a licence to own small amphibians and not Permit the Frog.
Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.
How come Ex-Lax never has coupons for a “Big Blowout Sale”???
oh cool you can play this toilet on hard mode
My parents bought my kid Guess Who with a timer because it’s important that she learns stress at 4 years old
Pretty sure my cold is trying to seduce me. I sneezed and my bra unsnapped.