I just ordered an iced coffee, black, with cream and sugar. Follow me for more just sheer stupidity.
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Who called it a Spanish teacher instead of an instruction Manuel?
Welcome to hipster fights. You can ironically hang your scarves over there. There’s PBR and tacos in the food truck. Don’t enjoy yourself.
How many dates should you wait before revealing that you’re not proficient in Excel?
can’t stop thinking about pink camo as a concept. the lore of where you’d need pink camo to survive the wilderness under cover. I want to go to there.
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning
A werewolf is chasing you. You’re on a Segway. The werewolf is too. Both batteries are dying, and the chase gets slower and slower.
God: you can go on land and water.
Turtle: nice, but what’s the shell on my back for?
God: that’s where you live.
Turtle: oh my gosh.
God: what?
Turtle: I have a house boat!
The moment I met my mother-in-law, I could instantly tell that she was the type to unfairly judge me.
me writing at 3am: holy shit….. this is so good when did i become this talented
me reading what i wrote the next day: he roled he’s eye
Friend: What have you been watching lately?
Me: Zoom
My wife left me for my best friend.
Well, he was just a stranger at that time. He is my best friend now.
Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
If I was a rapping novelist, my stage name would be Warren Piece.
I really want a family
sized bag of peanut butter m&ms
OMG I’M SO OLD AND OUT OF TOUCH WITH POP MUSIC WHAT SONG DOES BREXIT SING
What I say: hold on with two hands
What my kid hears: hold on with as few hands as possible, preferably none
I feel sorry for the Phillip whose head inspired the screwdriver.
My grocery store keeps rearranging the produce section. If I need to work this hard to find bananas, there better be a damn tropical breeze!
“I love Worcestershire sauce.”
“What’s so special about it?”
“It’s hard to say.”
My great grandma used to regift the same nice plaid button-up shirts to my great grandpa every year. He’d thank her for them and then save them for a special occasion, and when Christmas came she’d wrap them again. He never seemed to notice.
A fun thing about having kids is how they ask for help with their homework.
On the way to school.
Reasons I’m like Donald Duck:
1- Mainly white
2- Kinda fat
3- Rarely wears pants
4- Highly irritable
5- Hard to understand
6- Prisoner of the Disney Corporation
7- Genuinely confused if Goofy is a dog or what the hell
[jolts awake in bed]
Honey, wake up! I had a terrible nightmare that you were an algorithm!
spouse: (from under covers) That’s awful, sweetheart. Let me suggest some other dreams you might have
Cop: *searching my car*
“WHERE IS IT?
I KNOW IT’S HERE!”Me: *trying to swallow a Nickelback cd*
“IT’S NOT MINE, I SWEAR!”
anything is an appetizer if you eat more food after
Me: my biggest strength is listening attentively
Interviewer: ok but I asked what you knew about the company
DATE: What do you do?
ME: I write for TV
DATE: Wow! Anything I would know?
ME: Ever heard of subtitles
An ape picks up a bone, contemplates it for a moment, has an idea, strikes his neighbour over the head with a satisfying ‘toc!’. And in that moment is born the xylophone.