“Do me a solid” just sounds like you’re asking someone to poop for you and that’s kinda gross.
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Him: I’m a morning person
Me *scared of werewolves* w…what are you at night??
😂😂😂
I’m not saying it’s been a while, I’m just saying I completely blanked on the name of my gym
You can tell how much a woman hates her husband by how short she cuts her hair.
new york is like a toxic boyfriend, all winter you’re like why does he treat me this way and then spring hits and you’re like wow he loves me so so much
If a man shows up with cotton eyes, my first question won’t be about his travel itinerary.
3 reasons I’m not a hiker:
1. I don’t like sweating.
2. I don’t like getting lost.
3. I don’t like stumbling across human remains in shallow graves.
If corporations are people then that’s really gross because we walk inside of them all the time.
The winner of the smallest pet amphibian contest was so tiny it was my newt.
Me: I’m a solid eight
Friend: Wow. Out of ten?
Me: What lol god no
Nobody was healthier than my vegan, gluten-free friend Chad until the day that baby squirrel beat him to death.
me: *keeps bumping the back of my hand against his trying to get him to hold mine*
death: quit it
If you walk into a meeting and say “sorry, I have to go to another meeting.”
You can avoid every meeting.
You’re welcome.
If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
Don’t try take your pants off while walking down stairs.
Lesson learned
I’m going to normalize a new trend.
Unsolicited *CROC* pics
Felt bad about hitting a car yesterday but I remembered to leave a note. Didn’t have a pen so I used my key.
Date: Have you ever been to an animal hospital?
Me: No *imagines a dog holding a stethoscope* but I want to
With inflation, it would be Mambo No. 6.59 in 2013
power walking from my problems because running will draw their attention
I’ll never forget my grandad’s last words on his deathbed.
He said: “I should never have bought this deathbed. Asking for trouble…”
When I trip I always look back to see who or what did it because it couldn’t have possibly have been my fault.
Making homemade peanut butter isn’t as hard as people make it out to be if you just pre-chew the peanuts first.
For more helpful cooking tips follow my blog “Tell Me She didn’t Really Just Do That”.
My boss: Why are you hiding behind the potted fern?
Me:
My boss: don’t be silly. Come out so we can complete your appraisal.
Me *makes nervous fern noises*
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m 4 people.
“africanized killer bees” are trending so it’s a good time to mention that Killer Bees are literally an escaped scientific experiment gone wrong, like in the movies
Bodyguard Idea:
Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.
I was bullied by a cheerleader in high school and she used to tan every day so I stayed out the sun for 34 years and now I look 10 years younger than she does. WHO’S CHEERING NOW BRITTNI?
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
ME: for like important stuff i guess
CNN: an Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs
ME: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
ME: she did what