MATH TEACHER: wanna come do the problem on the board?
ME: no
MT: i wasn’t asking
ME: if u were an english teacher you’d know that u were
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My son just told me he knows all the lyrics to Despacito and then just sang “burrito” for every single word.
I only drink Smart Water now.
I think it’s really helping my…
my head thinking thingie.
Elon literally had the chance to name his kid Melon Musk and he blew it.
Just knowing that I have to get out of bed tomorrow is already annoying and it’s not even dark yet.
Today seems like a good day to wash my hair and take 10 selfies wearing 10 different shirts so I can pretend I look human on a regular basis
I’am drinking with my new GF and her gay friend from work. So there’s 100% chance I’am getting laid and a 50% chance I’ll like it.
My 7yo learned that a seal in French is a “phoque” and like every Canadian child before her, she is enjoying this sweet swear loophole to its fullest
[leaving theater]
me (drying my eyes): I hate movies where a dog dies
wife: that was a werewolf
me: but still
Hate it when all of Asia tells me that I exaggerate things.
There’s no training in the world as physically and mentally grueling as trying to give medicine to a toddler
Welp, there’s definitely something writhing under your porch. I won’t know ‘til I get in there whether we need to set traps or call the diocese.
I have two dogs. One named Rolex and one named Timex.
They’re watchdogs.
I never understood how a mother could lift a car with a child trapped under,
until my phone got stuck under my bed.
“Do you moan when you eat?”
Me, making small talk in an elevator
I am using the Netflix account of my
•little sister’s
•prom date’s
•ex girlfriend
How many degrees of separation are you from your Netflix account?
Me: what’s the weather like?
Mom: just open the door and find out
Me: *opens cargo hatch and is sucked out of airplane* it’s
W
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A mom at my son’s baseball game was drinking beer in the stands and what kind of message is she sending to all these young impressionable kids by openly enjoying an adult beverage and not sharing with all the adults sitting by her
Boss: you look a bit lost
Me: Yeah, sometimes I really wish I’d listened to you
Boss: About what
Me: Dunno. I wasn’t listening
My 11yo is begging me to let her get the ends of her hair dyed and says she’ll be the best child and do whatever I want if I say yes.
I already made the appointment but I’m gonna enjoy pretending I’m on the fence until then.
Dear Stephen Hawking,
You’re not the boss of us.
Sincerely,
hawks
Major milestone today — found my first grey pubic hair!
But once I picked it out, the burger tasted pretty decent.
My super power is buying movies on Amazon the week before they’re free on Netflix
respect that the little drummer boy showed up empty handed and said here’s some noise
DATE: I’m really into *bites lip & lowers voice* S&M
ME: Well, I *trails finger sexily across the table* like all of the letters
There’s a fine line between a mirror and the end of this rolled up dollar bill.
Women hate it when you call them ma’am or sleep with their friends.
Me: I’ll take $1,600, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $1,600.
Pro tip: being patient will get you out of raking leaves. One of these days will be windy and they will blow into your neighbors yard.
A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.
There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.