Job interview…
Interviewer “On your CV, it says that you are a man of mystery.”
“That’s correct.”
“Would you like to elaborate?”
“No.”
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i used to steal a bunch of digestion meds as a kid and all the cvs’s around town had a wanted sign calling me klepto bismol
To the person who wrote ‘Most likely to be attacked by a seagull’ in my high school yearbook…well played Sir, your prophecy was fulfilled today.
Do furries go to doctors or vets?
As a former member of the Leopards Eating People’s Faces party until it became extremist, I can tell you that the Let’s Not Eat Anyone’s Face party will get nowhere unless it elects a candidate who wants leopards to eat *some* people’s faces.
Money can’t buy me Love, but it buys having someone else wash my hair…
A robot robbed a bank but was caught when it’s battery died..
Police have no plans to charge the suspect.I’m here all week😬
I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
The baby bites me a lot cuz she’s teething and fine, whatever, but just now she followed it up with some loud air chewing like she thought she was actually eating me and that was appropriate.
A hammock is really cool until you try to get out of it. I’m going to have to live here now. Goodnight.
‘I’ll cut a bitch.’
– veterinarian explaining his spaying procedure
“It’s hotter than a junkie’s spoon in July”
Excuse me, what kind of Florida metric system are we using now??
I went for a job interview.
The bloke asked, “Where do you see yourself in 10 yrs time?”
“Same as now – in photos and mirrors,” I replied
MIND BLOWING SCIENCE FACT: 20% of all car crashes are actually battles between the Autobots and the Decepticons.
I would never get a minivan because I can’t even think of 7 people I’d want to be stuck in a vehicle with.
You guys know monogamy is NOT a type of wood, right?!?
Gym: After a year of being closed, we’re open now!
Me: Nope. Uh uh. No takesy backsies.
*dipping a pine cone in my coffee* Gosh I just love fall
I would have a shitload of money if I liked Ramen Noodles and hated vodka.
*waves arm in the direction of the lake*
One day, all this will be yours.
12: Are you threatening to drown me?
Me: Just make your bed, k?
My daughter is playing “Away in a Manger” on the recorder if anyone wanna come over.
Met a hot girl in the bar.
She said if I give her 500 bucks she’ll show me a real good time. So I gave her 500 bucks and she ran 100 meters in 12 seconds.
maybe my uterus is haunted, or maybe there’s an actual shark up there
Don’t leave me hanging, Larry
Everyone talks shit about the Salem Witch Trials but there hasn’t been a witch attack in like 300 years.
I learned to play guitar so people would stop asking me to go camping.
I have like 17 hours to kill I think I’ll listen to one Pink Floyd song
Parenthood taught me that if you’re running late and tell your kid to hurry, your kid will be super slow, BUT if you wait patiently, your kid will also be super slow. It doesn’t matter.
Blue smoke – Boy
Pink smoke – Girl
White smoke – Pope
I’m just a girl
standing in front of a pizza
asking it to not have carbs.
[first day as news anchor]
Me [tryin not to laugh readin report about a man gettin kicked by a horse]: hes said to be in a stable condition