I want to have the kind of hope my dog has when the kids walk around eating chips.
You Might Also Like
Not sure which is more alarming: English wine or English bears?
if you can’t handle me at my worst, you’re probably that gutless Outback Steakhouse shift manager who called the cops on me last night
Me, “Alexa, make all these people leave my house.”
Alexa, “Playing Nickelback.”
A good way to know if your girlfriend is a lizard is if she eats a bunch of crickets or small birds
*reading* 160 calories *thinking* Let me break it down to see how much I should eat. *reading and thinking* The can is 14.2 ounces, the serving size is 245 grams and the servings per container are about 3.
And we wonder why America is getting fat.
MATH
[wonka factory in 2018]
Charlie: augustus is drowning
Oompa Loompa with a septum piercing: aren’t we all
My 8yo son spent 45 minutes perusing and closely inspecting the 31 flavors to finally decide on “chocolate.”
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
“Who am I?” she beckoned the stars.
Stars: We’ve gone over this a million times. You are a geisha caveman.
I stopped going to the beach because people kept mistaking me for a corpse and poking me with sticks
Teacher: Thanks getting here at such short notice. It’s about your son.
Me: Clive? What’s he done?
Teacher: Well, he said to another boy in class that “My dad could beat up your dad” and-
Me: What is going on?
Teacher: We are going to find out. This is Mr Smith.
Giving my wife a bikini wax for the first time. Should I wake her up or just let it be a surprise?
The “walk of shame” should be going to a bar the next morning after being drunk looking for your lost debit card.
All this construction in my area makes me realize how many weapons are just randomly lying around.
It feels so good to tell my mom every morning that I’m going running, because then she hangs up and I can sleep another hour.
You Matter.
Unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared.
Then you Energy.
What’s the 5 second rule when you drop a baby on the floor?
Taking inventory at a granite warehouse is counter productive.
[First date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re a pharmacistHer: Can you pass the salt?
“Sure, it’ll be ready in two hours.”
why does half of Twitter think they’re going to lead a communist uprising when they’re too scared to order pizza on the phone
I was driving with my teenage niece and she turned on a band and said “they’re kinda underground, but I like them.”
Green Day, the band was Green Day.
Sorry I didn’t text you back, my hands are sore from karate chopping loaves of bread in half and feeding them to starving children all day.
DATE: {seductively} What’s your type?
ME: {seductively} One sec.
[2 minutes later]
ME: Ok yeah, love you, no I’m on a date, mom she’s the one trust me, thanks again, ok bye. {turns to date} She said B positive.
I have started going to a psychiatrist about my belief that I’m an owl and I haven’t looked back since.
I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato
Coral is stupid in my opinion. You’re a rock that can die? Sounds like the worst of both worlds but “you do you”
Hamburger Helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because for a few miles they believed you were the real bus driver.
ur macbook about to start asking if you want update now, tonight or when the 2nd wave hits
Jesus probably figured things out when everyone kept calling it the Last Supper.