Found an m&m on the floor. It’s been there all night, but I figure that’s well past the statute of limitations on the 5 second rule.
Anyway, once I brushed off the cat hair it tasted fine.
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My boss: *flicks ash off cigarette* So I says to her, I says “Relax, babe, I only objectify hot chicks. You’re safe” lol
HR: *scribbling furiously* Slow down, I don’t want to miss any- AARGH! HAND CRAMP!
Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?
Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.
After spending the last week stealing cars and killing people I just found out GTA had missions.
Get yourself a woman who likes to watch murder shows, but doesn’t keep a notebook of the methods labeled “tips and tricks”.
The courtroom I’m in this morning is astonishingly relaxed, and the judge looks like a kid cosplaying as a judge. Doogie Howser, J.D.
ME AT 19: I’m gonna travel to so many countries!
ME AT 29: I’m gonna try a new craft beer!
ME AT 39: I’m gonna try a different cat litter
I may be fat now, but you’re stupid forever.
Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I’m going to need those back.
Co-worker: How are you today?
Me: *starts writing death threats on the wall in period blood.*
*Sees couple arguing in store*
*Discreetly drops a pregnancy test into the cart*
Dear parents who line up 45 minutes early in the school pick-up line,
I don’t understand.
Just because I’ve forgiven you doesn’t mean I won’t want to throat punch you the next time I see you.
Thought you should know.
*As people try to get me to go kayaking.
Me: Why can’t we just rent a baby yacht? That’s all I’m saying.
I think it’s time when we buy new clothes that we have the option to buy the body they’re being modelled in too.
I thought it was “it takes two to make a dingo ride”.
And then “it takes two to make it out of sight”….ON the dingo.
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
“Now, remember,” I say, waving my tweezers. “You eyebrows aren’t twins; they’re nearly identical cousins trying to outdo each other in order to become executor of their grandfather’s will.”
DATE: I want someone that brings me fancy gifts
ME, A CROW: [revealing a shiny bottle cap I found] m’lady
Cop: we found this dead cat stuffed in the the photocopier
Detective: OMG, another victim of the copy cat killer
If you wanna be classy, just use the word “whilst.”
Example: I know I just met you, but can you cum on my face whilst I pinch my nipples?
dad: I AM VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN
son: HI VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN IM GREG
dad: omg [sheds a tear]
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
One thing I’m really good at is turning $1500 into $4.72
I was wondering why Hoobastank chose that band name so I investigated it some and the reason is you.
HIPSTER COP: *into radio* “We’ve got a 13-88 in progress…it’s a pretty rare crime, you probably wouldn’t know it”
Broke my New Year’s resolution to exorcise more and now there are poltergeists and demons all over my house.
Whenever I feel overwhelmed, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide for three days in a cave
My new diet consists in killing anyone who tells me I’m fat.
“I need a beer, you want one?”
– me, helping my son with his Legos
DENTIST: Open
*patient opens mouth*
D: Nice! Stay open
*dentist sheds lab coat-he’s a hermit crab.Crawls in mouth*
D: New home sweet home!