me: so i have an attention deficit.
psychologist: yes.
me: so i need to get more attention
psychologist: no.
You Might Also Like
If you carry a clipboard, put a pen behind your ear, wear a stopwatch around your neck, and, depending on where you are, wear either a lab coat or a reflective safety vest you can pretty much walk right in anywhere you like.
i don’t “get” knights. i’m not calling some guy sir just because an old lady that eats beans for breakfast tapped him with a sword
They say ‘No news is good news,’ but I think it just means I have a lazy paperboy.
[On a walk with my dad aka My Parents: A Love Story]
Dad shouting into his phone:
YES I TOOK THE GARBAGE OUT COMMA OUT WALKING NOW COMMA LOVE YOU EXCLAMATION POINT
[wheel of fortune]
me: id like to buy a vowel
pat: arent u a millenial
me: [sigh] id like to rent a vowel
Friend: How’s the new job?
Me: Can’t complain
Friend: What’s with the beeping collar?
Me: *starting to cry* Can’t complain
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMFAO
My three biggest fears are mouses, wolfs & proper pluralization.
‘THINGS WE DIDN’T DO:
•Start the fire
•Shoot the deputyTHINGS WE DID DO:
•Built this city
•Shot the sheriffTHINGS WE WANT TO DO:
•Break free
•Hold your handTHINGS WE WILL DO:
•Rock you
•Survive
•Anything for loveTHINGS WE WON’T DO:
•That’
“I hope this email finds you—“ STOP FINDING MEEEEE
Elton John ”Hold me closer, tiny dancer”
CDC ”Stop right there!!”
My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.
Now I can’t read anything.
I hate when I drop my pen on the floor and it’s slightly out of reach so I leave it there forever.
Son, we don’t play Hungry Hungry Hippos for “fun.” We play it to learn how friends turn on each other in moments of desperation and scarcity
Who’s up for joining me for some couples counseling just to see how long it takes until the therapist realizes we don’t even know each other?
I’d expect Captain America to be fatter.
Son: When did u know you were old?
Me: When I started saying ‘congratulations’ to friends who said they were pregnant instead of ‘oh shit.’
I tried counting sheep to get to sleep, but one was missing and now I’m gonna be up all night worrying
My favorite yoga pose is downward facing in a bowl of mashed potatoes
Him: I like a girl who’s a good host
Me: *trying to impress him* I’ve had a tapeworm in my intestine for YEARS
zookeeper: have you folks seen the lions yet?
me: no, not yet!
zookeeper : ok *starts sweating* well stay calm and let someone know if you do
friend: wait, so she really left you because of how you pronounce certain words?
me: yeah, so supposebly I pronounce it “expresso” and it makes her exspecially upset, idk
I don’t trust the so-called “mainstream media.” I get news from ouija boards and an angry owl living in the woods on the outskirts of town.
Danny Devito’s full name is Daniel DeTotototototo.
How many syllables does the word “Gloria” have?
CATHOLICS: 18
Me: You know better than to use that bad word.
5-year-old: Yes.
Me: Then why did you?
5: My brain said not to, but my mouth does whatever it wants.
If you get pulled over, you should be able to read the police officer the tweet you were writing, and if it’s a banger he’s gotta let you off.
My Pops told me that you can’t go around trying to save everyone. They have to save themselves. He was a terrible lifeguard.
Recently I discovered when changing sex positions, it’s better to make the Transformers sounds inside your head rather than vocalizing them.
when your spouse is out with friends and won’t answer your texts