For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
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I’ve reached the age where if someone rings my bell after 9pm I either left my car door open or I’m about to be murdered
[first day as a vampire]
*squirts ranch on your neck*
Sweet. Free refrigerators!
Me: *looking at pics* Cute! What breed is it? Looks like a Puggle
Co-worker: It’s my daughter
Me: Yeah, they feel like family, don’t they?
BREAKING: Apple reportedly prepping electric car.
Battery life is expected to be about an hour, with a 2 foot charging cable.
Wipes away your tears using three precise karate chops.
Sorry I changed your ringtone to Salt-N-Pepa’s “push it” and called you a bunch of times during your colonoscopy.
My wife calls me a busy beaver ‘cause every time I sit on the toilet I build a damn.
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: You’ve already written no
Doctor: I just looked at you and made a guess
Me: well let me tell you, it was a good guess
Hate when stores ban free plastic bags, they’re great for picking up dog poop. Guess I’ll find a new hobby to spend my time. Maybe get a dog
Rhythmic banging against the wall, his hands grasping the sheets. Unable to get what he needs, he gets out of bed to turn off the Roomba.
EARTH: Goodnight Moon
MOON: Goodnight Earth
EARTH: Come closer and give me a kiss
MOON: Okay
{millions perish in massive tidal wave}
*pounding on Sunday’s still chest*
STAY WITH ME GODDAMMIT STAY WITH ME
everyone picked up a quirky new habit during the plague i started blaming the sun for everything
If I hear someone crying I immediately cry louder to establish myself as the dominant sad person in the room
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
If by “social butterfly” you mean I will take off when you come near me, then yep.
*swirling Gatorade in a wine glass*
Ah yes, the sportings, I have perused that endeavor. The throwing, the goalings, I love it all.
An app told me I had a notification and the notification was that there were no new notifications, so we’re all dealing with a lot rn
Me: hey what’s this weird lump?
WebMD: could be cancer.
Me: it’s a raisin stuck to my elbow…
WebMD: you have two weeks.
16 year olds can vote in Scotland. That’s ok because they’ve been drinking since they were 9 and understand disillusionment.
Sharon I have some bad news
We’re not out of the woods yet.
Lumberjack: That better be the last forest joke.
Trying to impress the doctor by telling her I don’t need a prescription to get Xanax.
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. She’s now passed out on the kitchen floor. I don’t negotiate with terrorists.
As the pair of scissors steps up to the starting line, the other runners quickly realize that this race just got a whole lot more dangerous.
Goth karate is easy because you already start off with a black belt.