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boss: you’re fired
me: [like a movie director] CUT…CUT… ok try again but this time don’t say that
he looks like the detective in a TV mystery series who’s been drinking a bit much since his wife died but always gets his man
All these laws are really getting in the way of my driving.
Found this cool rock on a hike today so I brought it home
Everyone is always talking about raising money for dogs without homes but what about the ones who don’t have cars
My cat constantly looks at me like I asked her to give me a ride to the airport.
4: Did you just shower?? Your hair looks so pretty!
Me: Awwww, thank y—
4: It looks like a bug
Me:
COP: Do u know why I pulled u over?
ME: *looks at the penguin in my passenger seat* God damnit Ralph I told u to put ur seatbelt on.
The Job Interview:
HR: So you are bilingual?
Me: Si
HR: In your native tongue please.
Me: Ooga Booga
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
[My funeral]
Friend 1: So how did he die?
Friend 2: Mistaken identity
F1: What happened?
F2: He mistook himself for someone who could outrun a freight train
I wish companies would use pictures of models looking frazzled and exhausted on their websites so I can get a real idea of what their clothes will look like on me
I was kicked out of my college grammar club for making up words. Even worse was the reculpricity they had with the other clubs on campus.
I’m at that age where I can’t simply pick something up, I need to first knock it over and then pick it up.
it’s ok if no one “gets” you; do what’s right for you. avoid people who make you feel bad. entomb your enemy, alive, in a wine cellar. become a lighthouse keeper who guides phantom ships to the underworld. you do you.
Gluten-free!
Pumpkin pie!
Whole Foods has made me a happy guy.Vegan too?
Yes it’s true.
One less thing on the list of have-to-do!
Some parents sing the Clean Up song, but I just yell “I’m getting garbage bags you better hope you can pick up your toys faster than I can!”
manning had to write 500 words about thomas edison, he got his 500 word count pretty quickly: When Thomas Edison was 12 Thomas Edison convinced Thomas Edison’s parents to let Thomas Edison start selling newspapers. (the entire paper is like this!!)
[first date]
HER: Scars are beautiful. Each one tells a story of personal growth and triumph over adversity.
ME: I got this one fighting a porpoise.
[running away from killer]
KILLER: YOU’RE GONNA TRIP ON YOUR SHOELACES THEN I’LL GET U
ME: MY SHOES ARE VELCRO
KILLER: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
My cats won’t talk to me because I came home late from work.
EARTH: *celebrates her 50th Earth Day*
BILLIONAIRES: *start eyeing younger planets*
This guy at the bar wouldn’t shut up about how Zombies “could be real”
So I killed him…
If he comes back…He wins the argument
Me: you may find this hard to believe but I have been fooled several times.
Them: No we get that.
I experienced this today. I decided I’m a genius. 😂
How to properly use a paper clip:
1. Throw in garbage
2. Use a stapler
“Be a deer, would ya” she says, mounting your head on the wall.
JOB REQUIREMENTS: Must have a college degree. Must have 5 years experience. Must have volunteered as tribute and won the 74th Hunger Games.
What idiot called it removing a curse and not a hexagon?
Can you imagine getting the girl of dream’s phone number and her first text to you she spells it “defantely”