Rules for meeting a puppy:
1 be cool
2 pet it
3 do not steal it
4 stop running from the owner
5 put it down
6 this isn’t worth jail time
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The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
It’s hard for me to believe that the new Star Wars trailer has already been seen millions of times. How do they even know where it’s parked?
[goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better]
“sorry, we’re full”
[lights myself on fire]
{Working as a bouncer}
ID please
*looks*
Okay you can go
*softly kisses their forehead first*
How apt that, after listening to “hold music” for an hour, I need a hug.
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
People say the best part of freelancing is being your own boss, but really the best part is being your own employee. I hate being my own boss because my employee doesn’t respect me, but I love being my own employee because my boss is a pushover.
I’m not like all those other girls
*regurgitates a seagull*
Went on ChristianMingle .com and kept asking myself, “Who Would Jesus Do”?
birds really just be screaming at 5am, go make breakfast damn
Sorry I’m late. I was standing in front of the cooler staring at names on Coca Cola bottles for 10 mins realizing how many people I dislike.
Me: Come to my party. I’m making my “secret special punch.”
Her: You mean vodka & food coloring?
Me: Who told you my secret?!?
‘If more than one mouse is mice,
then more than one Spouse is Spice.’
[zoo]
GUIDE: i told you not to feed the monkeys
ME: it’s a cigar
Not me, making rice krispy treats at midnight because my teen forgot to tell me she needed them tomorrow.
I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He said I should prolly not go to those places anymore.
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m in the Secret Service”
Wow, you didn’t keep that secret too well did you
BOSS: Ok, so we’ve decided we’re definitely going to call our new product yogert. Has anyone got any thoughts on the spelling?
ROBHURT: yeh
I let an AT&T Customer Service Representative call me Brenda for a half hour because I was too embarrassed to correct him
Whenever І wake up and see that someone has wrіtten a bunch of funny tweets before noon, І assume they are a mornіng drіnker.
*invents time machine*
*has an opportunity to right a wrong*
*makes it wronger*
Hey Mommy can you spend an hour building this intricate race track only for me to tell you I don’t want to play with it after all?
-every kid ever
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but i don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
Cop: License and registration please.
Me: Give me a second, I’m drunk.
Cop: Sir, have you been drinking?
Me: No.
SPOILER ALERT: In the book “What to Expect When You’re Expecting,” it’s a baby. You’re expecting a baby.
I swear I’d chuck this phone off a bridge if I didn’t know I’d chase after it.
*buys a new treat for my dog*
*dog refuses to eat*
Me: *gives it a bite* mmm it’s delicious, try one
(Blows you a kiss with chip crumbs hitting your face)
date: wow nice body
me: i like working out
date: it shows
me: *bench pressing cadaver* he’s starting to stink tho