{at sports arena}
*kiss cam pans to me just as I take a huge bite of a hotdog
Me: *panics and seductively licks mustard off my lips.
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[first date]
HER: What are you doing with the Tupperware?
ME: [filling container] The sign says ‘All You Can Eat’, it doesn’t specify when
Area Man Already Knows Which Chicken Tender He’s Saving For Last
Took my kid to a roller rink and strapped on skates for the first time in 30 years.
The arcade games, the music, the disco ball; every detail took me straight back to my youth.
The only new feature was the ambulance ride.
Friend: Do you think you could survive a zombie apocalypse?
Me: Depends. Fast zombies, or slow zombies?
Friend: Either one.
Me: Then, no.
Me: I’m cutting back on wine!
Future Me: You might want to hold off on that decision until you hear what’s coming .
At Walmart during the holidays like..
Girl: So, how many inches is it?
Pat: How many inches is what?
G: You know..
P: Uhhh, about 200 dollars long.
G: OMG, It’s so big!
God: this pie is outstanding. where’d you get the apples?
Eve: ok promise you won’t get mad
A man reading a thesaurus saunters into a tavern.
What idiot called it a successful vasectomy and not getting out of the gene pool
Once upon a time, I’d leave my seat early at a concert or sporting event so I could beat the traffic.
Nowadays, it’s probably because I need to beat the queue for the toilet.
me: ugh I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: did he just get in line
[Sitting in your closet]
I’m completely over you.
Every time you reply to a text from your ex, Taylor Swift completes another album.
Don’t be an enabler. Drop the phone.
Me: *climbing down* The best revenge is living in a well.
Friend: That’s not the saying!
Me: *shouting up* You’ll all be sorry!
no cat here
Her: So, what is your major?
Him: I study forensics.
Her: Dude, that’s just 10!
*moves all unread emails to trash
Omg I got so much done today.
Looking for a job on Craigslist. A guy wants to pay $150 to borrow a valid driver’s license to rent a car. What could possibly go wrong?
I’d like to speak to America’s manager.
5: You guys picked me and 3 as your kids because we’re so good. You could have picked the bad kids that other parents chose.
Me to H: [whispers] Should we tell her that if we could have picked we would have chosen better kids than her and 3?
“Honey, it’s not that I don’t like your cooking, it’s just that the smoke’s about to asphyxiat our family.”
“WHAT’D YOU SAY ABOUT MY ASS??”
[Running out of gas in the desert]
Me: I guess this is the end. We’ll die of thirst soon.
Co-Worker: This is a Pepsi Truck.
Me: *gazing out over the sand dunes* 3, 4 days tops.
settle down twitter crush. i didn’t ask your last name to google you. i wanted to see how it sounded with the names i’ve picked for our kids
“how come you never post me?” i only post jokes on here babe and you not a joke to me
if HBO wants me to watch a Game Of Thrones spin off I want a personal apology for season 8. 12 pt font, double spaced, no funny business on the margins
Him: *leans in* I’m a hugger.
Me: *tases him* I’m not.
Lost my phone, went looking, set down coffee.
Found phone, went back, where’d I put coffee?
There should be a special rating system for movies that tells you how uncomfortable you’ll be if you watch them with your parents.
The Home Depot guy doesn’t care why we’re buying all this quicklime. Be cool. Stop sweating.