Just overheard someone say “it’s Friday somewhere” lmao. Like… it’s just… not.
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me: sorry this place is such a mess
her: it’s my house
Kim – Where is North West?
Kanye – *takes out compass*
Kim – I mean my baby!
Kanye – I’m right here.
Kim – Jesus Kanye!
Kanye – Yeezus*
Honest job application:
On the whole I’ll do a perfectly adequate job. I’m quiet but not in an odd way. I won’t cause any fuss. Good at hoping people are well in emails (won’t use too many exclamation marks). Generally a good egg.
Me: *runs into burning house*
Lady: Everyone is out of the house already!
Me: *comes back out eating their cheese*
5-year-old: How many pull-ups can you do?
Me: 22.
Wife: How many with witnesses?
Me: Almost 1.
That if you love them set them free thing, what if they all come back at once
My daughter is too old for Disney channel movies so I obviously need another kid.
My wife and I have been happily married for two years. 1997 & 2004
*uses blood from wounds to write my killer’s name on the floor*
I…will be…avenged. NO! BAD DOG! DON’T LICK THAT! DADDY NEEDS JUSTICE!
catch me on valentine’s day like
I’d go for a jog but it’s too [insert current weather].
I’m thinking about giving that Call of Duty game a shot, but first I’m gonna try one last time to get past level 4 on Duck Hunt.
I saw a vending machine that takes Apple Pay which sounds cool but imagine how much it would suck to lose your phone in there.
high school was the free trial version of college. “if you wish to continue your education you can buy the complete pack for $50,000”
Don’t tell me a program may contain nudity. Tell me for sure so I don’t waste my time.
Bartenders should put a pink straw into every woman’s 4th drink, as a signal to all the men in the bar, that she’s ready.
I could tell my parents truly loved me as a child. My bath toys were a toaster, radio and a blow dyer.
Too many Christmas rom-coms, not nearly enough Halloween rom-coms
Fact: DJs who work at radio stations playing christmas music for two months are not allowed to wear belts or shoe laces.
So my 5 year old’s stuffed owl and his stuffed mouse are best friends, and I don’t know how to break the news to him…
realizing every shirt in the store is a crop top
me: *placing a fork in front of a turtle* you’re raphael now
You know it was a good party when the neighbor sends you a text to say they managed to get your bra off their roof
When a grammar Nazi gets sad give them a hug and say “There, their, they’re.”
Mom: I HEARD UR SICK
Me: just a cold
Mom: U HAVE THE ZIKA
M: no I-
Mom: OH GOD IT’S ZIKA
M: mom-
Mom: I TRIED TO RAISE U RIGHT
M: wait, what
passion fruit: i had a wild date last night, what did you do?
jackfruit: oh nothing
When my 4 year old asked where babies come from my toddler immediately responded, “mail man.” Now I feel like I owe my husband a phone call and we need to cut back on our online shopping.
honestly? my therapy dog gives terrible advice
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.