Elon Musk: [throws soup out a window]
Chef: OMG VEGETABLE STOCK IS PLUMMETING
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Me: eats spicy Szechuan for lunch
My guts the next day: look, we’ve had this discussion before
You can have a cereal that tastes good. You can have a cereal that makes you poop.
No. You cannot have both.
Cartoons taught me that if you got a bucket rammed onto your head, when you got it off, your head would be shaped like the bucket. Well after this morning I can tell you, that is a total lie
[Christmas]
6:30—kids are excited
7:30—kids are playing
8:00—kids are fighting
9:00—kids are crying
9:15—wife is yelling
9:30—I am drinking
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA VALUE YOUR FRIENDSHIP TOO MUCH TO RUIN IT WITH SEX. SURE, YOU’RE ATTRACTIVE, THEY JUST DON’T SEE YOU IN THAT WAY
If Nelly tells you “it’s getting hot in here”, it’s not your job as a journalist to take off all your clothes, it’s your job as a journalist to look out the window and find out if it’s true
I just had the biggest bowel movement of my life then turned around and the toilet was empty. Needless to say I completely lost my shit
“just a suggestion :)” is the most passive aggressive aside of all time. here’s my cute little suggestion cloaked in invisible knives
Batman: my parents died when I was young leaving me alone with my butler Alfred an-
group leader: oh my god it’s Bruce Wayne
Batman: Batman: no no I’m Batwayne, I mean Bruceman
Why does the minion look better in a thong than me? and other random thoughts
me: *throwing rocks at the window of a girl I like*
flight attendant: STOP THAT
I’ve been introducing myself as Jim The Chosen One ever since I was named milk monitor in grade 6.
Guinea pigs aren’t real pets. You buy them when your kids are begging for a dog, but you want to make them sad instead.
Me: I haven’t spoken to my mom in years. I do love her though.
Therapist: She isn’t going to live forever. You should call and tell her.
Me: You’re right…*dials number*
Mom, you’re going to die *hangs up*
Neighbor: What are you doing?
Me: Jesus Christ, Bob…what does it look like I’m doing?
Neighbor: …urinating on my mailbox
If you wear a ship’s captain’s hat around, people will just do what you say. I run a Starbucks, a Target, a submarine, and two street gangs.
Considered selling feet and/or leg pics but then I realized I’d have to actually shave and ain’t nobody got time for that
Hagrid: yer a wizard Harry!
Harry: *y’er
How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face
So it turns out you can eat cranberry sauce when it’s not Thanksgiving and nothing happens. You don’t get arrested or anything.
HR: “You’ve put Kurt Russell down as an emergency contact.”
Me: “Yeah, I’d like to meet him before I die. Dude is a legend.”
I didn’t win the lottery, but I did find $60 in my husband’s jacket pocket this morning, so…
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
Don’t rub your happiness in people’s faces this Valentine’s Day. Let the couples enjoy themselves for once.
Maybe she was just being paranoid, but Wendy couldn’t help feeling that she was being monitored.
While it’s impossible to pick a favorite child, it’s easy to identify the one who isn’t your favorite at the moment.
I got the Pfizer vaccine and pso pfar pno pside effects.
Co-pilot: you need to let the passengers know but keep them calm
Me *presses intercom* how fun is swimming?!
Breaking into my enemies home and eating all their cheese.
*smoke detector chirps*
me*takes battery out*
*chirp*
me*cuts wires*
*chirp*
me*smashes it with a hammer*
*chirp*
wife:We have more than one