Dirty cop: yeah I’m in with the scum, but I held my nose and now I’m rolling in it
Clean cop: good god Harold, go take a shower
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I have decided to purchase the grocery store because it is now cheaper than the groceries inside it.
If I reach 700 followers, I’m gonna tweet naked for the next hour. Won’t do much for you guys, but it’ll certainly liven up Starbucks.
Americans: “Beans on toast? Gross.”
Also Americans:
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her! And that’s when my son went back to playing Minecraft 🙁
Never have I ever… rushed out of my house pretending I had to be somewhere & drove around neighborhood to get somebody to leave.
I clicked on one of those DM messages
And now it burns when I tweet
My 3-year-old’s favorite game is Restaurant which just entails her putting on a chef’s hat and me ordering dessert and no matter what I order she says, “We don’t have that.”
Him (five years ago): Do you have a work out routine?
Me: *still laughing
He said I was sent from above, but I wasn’t sure if he meant angelic, or shit out of a bird.
“Your dad and I are leaving for dinner now.”
Two seconds later:
me: righty tighty lefty loosey
frankenstein: stop
I don’t need feimsm i like my men to be REAL MEN! the worst day of my life was when i realised i had mistakenly married a big bag of oranges
ME [opening a card from the boss that says ‘get better soon’]: but i’m not sick, sir
BOSS: no, you’re just
terrible at this job
Let’s face facts, we all secretly suspected civilisation was just a phase.
Take me down to the paradise city where the grass is green and hey why did you bring all these goats they’re eating this luscious grass.
-hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger!
-oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
when you’re broke you really start pondering. like if i didn’t buy that taco in 2018 i would have that $6 rn
“Is it better to be feared, or to be loved?” Cats chose both, and they’re doing fine
Cute cat
“Thanks. We dont let him in though cause he shreds”
You mean sheds?
“No” [gestures to cat shredding to Van Halen on the back patio]
My dog pisses on every election sign regardless of political party so I have no idea who he is voting for.
I stood on the scale with one leg in the air and still weighed the same wtf.
During labour, nurse came up to me & said, ‘How about Epidural Anesthesia?’ I was like, ‘Thanks, but I already picked a name.
Boss pissed me off at work today
Might microwave a tuna sandwich and leave early
It shakes the bottle vigorously or else it gets the pre-ketchup.
If you try something new and you aren’t immediately awesome at it, say it’s stupid and never try it again.
[Brings pot brownies to the PTA meeting]
– New playground approved
– All classes now held outside
Vacation is just your wife not liking any of your restaurant suggestions closer to the ocean.
I’m reexamining my life after buying 63 pounds of unsalted butter because it seems a little weird even by my standards
Called it
“Sir, you cannot return your friend.”
But she got me a shitty gift.
“You can return the gift. Not the friend.”
Well that’s a dumb policy.