*dramatically gets out of bean bag chair for 20 minutes*
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ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
I’ve read that ‘all over-50s will be vaccinated by Easter’ so many times now, I’m almost tempted to look up when Easter actually is.
Found a free bandaid at the pool.
Dating Tips.
C all her 69 times a day.
R ing her doorbell and hide.
E avesdrop by phone tapping.
E ye her bffs.
P oke her on FB.
I don’t want to open a can of worms in a china shop but mixed metaphors can be very effective and logical to boot. No bull.
If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don’t think this relationship is going to work.
I just put on jeans right out of the dryer and my Fitbit exploded.
The first rule of Oedipus Club: mum’s the word.
If only ISIS had kidnapped Liam Neeson’s daughter, none of this would be an issue.
Don’t be ashamed of who you are.
That’s your parents job.
me: ok so imagine if you were a horse—
my sister: bold of you to assume i’m not, but continue
Confused owl: What?!
Me: I’m gonna search the periodic table for relief from my cramps haha get it?
Him: Actually there are elements that can help. Magnesium for example is calming and-
Me: What’s the symbol for arsenic?
Apparently when your spouse asks you “what would you like your Secret Santa to get you?”, “laid” isn’t an appropriate answer.
friend: let’s meet up soon
me: *in the crow’s nest of a ship docking outside your house* when though
how much longer is mercury in the microwave i don’t know if i can handle it
Sorry honey, they were all out of Turnt Triscuits.
I don’t wear sunglasses because it’s unfair that a photon travels 93 million miles and then when it’s an inch from my eye I’m all “um, no.”
cats: you just cleaned this box, i must use it
dogs: I can’t use a clean area, I must go where everyone has gone before me
im not paying that much money for ppl to watch me kiss someone im sorry u must be out of ur mind. $15 take it or leave it
We take our 40% off sale seriously at
i unknowingly took my toddler to the museum with a shirt pocket full of scrambled eggs
god grant me the serenity to close tabs i know i won’t read, the courage to keep ones open that i will, & the wisdom to know the difference
Can’t, need to go and at least see this gym that I am member of.
I knew my gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
*at a pizza buffet in the Midwest*
Me: excuse me, can you please make a vegetarian pizza?
Him: Sure! What kind of meat do you want on that?
The best part about living during a global plague as climate collapse ravages a planet poised on the brink of world war is definitely getting up every day to make sure the spreadsheets are still spreadsheeting.
I use a “retirement calculator” every morning before I leave for work to make sure I’m on track financially and I only have 1718 years to go
I’m sorry your baby is crying right now. Have you tried taking it farther away from me?
I’m sorry for dropping a glitter bomb in the baptismal pool at church tomorrow.