I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
You Might Also Like
Exoskeleton: how a skeleton signs a Valentine’s Day card
I was in Australia once and a newscaster said in the cutest accent that a swimmer was “taken” by a shark. I asked if that meant they died and my friend said, “Well yes, but no worries, it happens. Sharks do that.”
And that’s the most Australian thing I’ve ever heard.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “Hey look…that one is shaped like an idiot”.
When I was a kid at summer camp, I told my friend Rob I had two goals: to hammer nails up my nose at the camp talent show, and to find a girlfriend.
He said, “You might only get to do the first one.”
I tell people I broke my neck playing sports but it was actually from flicking my ponytail to unleash ancient curses.
My autocorrect changed “today’s meeting” to “today’s meltdown”.
Yes phone, that’s correct.
3 yr old: Grandpa, did your parents name you grandpa?
I like to say something disgusting which makes someone else say something more disgusting then I call them a pervert.
I give everyone nicknames because using real names is for people who can remember people’s names.
Stopped by my parents house with the dog. We both ran upstairs and tripped at the exact same time as we’ve obviously forgotten how stairs work.
If my memory foam mattress really had “memory,” it could write for Penthouse.
Jokes on all you idiots hoarding toilet paper, I’ve been hoarding fast food napkins FOREVER so I am SET.
I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself
me: my parents aren’t home
911: we can’t help you with your capri sun straw
Destroyed my psychologist on Yelp for calling me passive/aggressive.
Ok, it’s nearly 3.30 am here, someone give me some good sleeping tips! If I don’t answer you know they’ve worked!
My relationship advice?
Play Chess instead.
It’s less complicated.
Aging gracefully is like getting steamrolled gracefully, you should really be screaming
Love it when I see the sign:
“You must have been born before 1999 to buy tobacco products.”My oldest bra can smoke now.
Just texted my brother to see how his fantasy football went today but it autocorrected to “what’s your fantasy” and now it seems we are closer than ever
Whenever I see a lone shoe on the road I figure someone’s foot has been raptured
God never gives you more than you can handle. But I’m not God. I’m just a bag boy. And you’ll wanna take these groceries out in the cart.
Everybody always says say “No!” to drugs, but I’m thinking that if you’re talking to drugs, it’s too late
AA Counselor: what’s step one?
AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless
yesterday i took apart an egg timer because the ticking was too loud. i thought when I got it open and saw all the gears id know what to do. this was not the case
*lights a scented candle in my house
*gets texted 500 miles away from my mother
Please watch those candles
Me on the 7th day of Christmas: hey I’m gonna run to the store. We’re out of maids a’milking
My true love: no don’t
Me: what? Why not?
My true love: just trust me
I was fired from the zoo for exploding the budget, but I still think the giraffes look pretty great in those turtleneck sweaters.
HER: what do u do for fun?
ME:*thinks about how i break into homes to pet cats* i guess u could say i commit petty crimes