ME: We’re adopting a baby!
FRIEND: Congrats! Will you need my old baby gate?
ME: [considers summoning a baby] Nah, we’ll get one from this dimension
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i dont think any of the wikihow artists have seen a dog in real life
Establish dominance over your grandma by giving her a crisp $5 bill on her birthday.
“Hello, Yes, This is Otter.”
uber needs to start showing pictures of drivers’ cars rather than their model name… does it look like i know what a nissan sentra expecto patronum excel spreadsheet 2008 is
Jesus: so just a dinner with the boys?
Judas:
Mom I wouldn’t be invited to jump off the bridge
Prosecutor (showing slide): Is this your Yelp review history?
Me: Yes but
Prosecutor: 26 proctologists?
Me: What you have to understand is
Prosecutor: You described this one as “pleasantly judgmental”
Me: can you make sure this diamond ring is in the bottom of her drink? I want it to be a really special moment
McDonald’s employee: ok
My superpower is morphing my political views to align perfectly with whoever is driving my Uber.
*At funeral*
“Your Mom is so fat”
I said eulogy, not roast.
“oh right, I’m sorry. Your mom WAS so fat…”
[at movie theatre]
Wife: Shhhhhhhhhhh
Son: …
Daughter: …
Me (whispers): …it
my nickname in college
📽️movie date🎞️
cat owners will hear their cat go “prrrp” in a certain tone and be like “oh one second my cat wants the heating pad turned on”
Me at 10 pm: lets brush my teeth so that I don’t eat unnecessarily
Me at 10.10 pm: dang it
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Can you answer a question?
Y E S
What’s the meaning of life?
L O O K B E H I N D Y O U
There’s nothing there.Oh.
shampoo implies shampee
I’m watching a documentary about show chickens and I think I found my people.
What idiot called it “home for the holidays” and not “an aunt infestation”
I shot my first Turkey today. Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section, it was awesome!
Role playing didnt go so well last night. She was the hot sexy teacher and I the rebel student..so I ditched class. Cause schools for nerds.
HR: Alright people, let’s be a little more sensitive to Linda because she’s pregnant with child
Sally [who is pregnant with a hedgehog]: *sigh*
Feel like these super villains wouldn’t have to steal so much if they didn’t insist on paying for all their goons to be wearing the same outfit.
i’d like to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by the grand canyon
KIDNAPPER: *hits me across the face* nobody’s ever gonna find u
[duolingo owl busts through the door and shoots the kidnapper]
ME: holy shit u saved me
OWL: u’ve got more spanish to learn. u’ll die when i say u can die
Some guy in a strange costume walked up my front steps but when I went to give him some candy he just gave me some mail
I’m sorry I joined the zoom with my flames of hell background
Captain Hook hated Paper Scissors Rock since he could only play Question Mark, which had no value in the game.
*stares into wormhole*
Whoa man, cool.
*gets slapped by worm*
Pervert!
*worm wiggles away*
Kids…you can be happy about it being the last day of school, but you’ll never be as happy as the teachers.