There’s “disappointment” and then there’s “Waiter walking past my table with food I thought was mine disappointment”
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In the 1930s, there was an outbreak of exploding trousers in New Zealand. Farmers had used a herbicide that became explosive when it dried.
dating my last boyfriend was like being on the bachelor but not knowing I was on the bachelor
The designer of the expanding universe, deviser of quantum theory and relativity – he’s really interested in who you sleep with. Sinner.
*walks into funeral while playing the mandolin*
“I’m sorry. Am I interrupting?”
*dead guy sits up in casket*
No it sounds lovely. Keep going
“And you are?” she asked.
I puffed out my chest, hoping that if I angled my name tag correctly I could read its reflection in her sunglasses
The boys I nanny for just asked me where I work and I didnt have the heart to tell them their parents pay me to hang out with them so now they think I work at Chili’s
trying to get through to Mozart on the Ouija board I really want him to listen to the Thong Song
A lady in Walmart told her son “PUT THAT SHIT BACK” so loud I almost put my shit back
[Alligator feeding at the zoo]
Me: Hey let me do it
Keeper: 1st time?
M: Heck no
*alligator takes me by the arm*
I WAS JUST BRAGGING SAVE ME
HUSBAND: You dropped your phone, broke a glass, and frightened the dog.
ME: Yeah, but I killed the spider!
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
moses: watch me split the red sea in half
red sea: i’ve got a boyfriend
I’m not crazy, I’m just mentally spicy.
Im tired of being politically correct. If I want to wish someone a Happy Honda Days, I’m gonna do it. I don’t care what they drive, that’s their problem
Yoga Instructor: This is Warrior pose
Me:*Sitting down, eating a cheeseburger
YI:
Me:*chewing
I’m a Warrior who just slayed a McDonaldite
Seas the day!!!!
Boss: Any takeaways from the client meeting?
Me: I got his stapler and two rolls of toilet paper
When I say that I’m on low battery and can’t talk, rest assured I’m never talking about my phone.
Me: Do you have any dreams?
Him:…I’m running on a giant hamster wheel and a squirrel wearing a tuxedo comes…
Me: ASPIRATIONS YOU IDIOT
Stopped by my parents house with the dog. We both ran upstairs and tripped at the exact same time as we’ve obviously forgotten how stairs work.
No generation will ever be joked about as much as millennials.
Gen Z: Hold my tide pod…
Him: *whispering* you still awake
Me: *exhales loudly through harmonica*
Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.
i was NOT expecting this 😭 watch till the end
If we’d just get used to eating bugs now, then they’ll be plenty of food when all those locusts come from that bottomless pit promised to us in Revelations 9:1:3.
Never bring a bag of cement to a pillow fight.
Unless you want to win.
You wanna hot body?
You wanna Bugatti?
You wanna Maseratti?
Then this is an intervention you NEED to stop listening to Britney Spears.
The best revenge is living well. Starting after you murder the person who wronged you.
If GMOs can make hundred pound tomatoes why don’t I have a pet teacup elephant yet?
Is it still a walk of shame if I’m leaving my own house?
It ain’t like I’m proud of what happened in there.