I wonder where the inventor of the drawing board took their failed ideas back to.
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For some people, the turkey’s the most important part of the holidays. For others? It’s the pumpkin pie. But me? I’ve always cared more about the people that I spend the holidays with- which is why I’ve gathered you all here today to help me summon grandpa from the great beyond.
this is the kind of chaos i demand from a pharmacy
My son was brushing the crumbs off the front of his pants into the trash can at a restaurant and the waitress, thinking he was peeing, told him he needed to go do that in the bathroom.
Look lady, my kid only pees outside, not in the trash like the good lord intended.
lol sometimes I-
[a mum] “yeah well TRY HAVING KIDS”
4-year-old from next door got a whistle for his birthday and I got 1 phone call.
Everyone is complaining about homeschooling their kids.
Don’t stress!
Just teach them what you know.“Ok children, today we’re going to learn nursery rhymes.
Repeat after me:
Beer before liquor, never been sicker; liquor before beer, you’re in the clear.”
grocery store clerk: did u find everything ok today
me, who couldn’t find the tortillas after 30 minutes of searching: yes
waiter: do you have any questions about the menu
me: yes what’s the name of this font used for the meats
I had an erotic dream last night that my house was clean.
I’m trying to convince my boss that “ffs” is short for
“For faster service”
so I can put
“What do you need now, ffs”
in all my emails
Allow me to slip into something more out the window.
The person in that bathroom stall would not survive ‘A Quiet Place’
The reason we are all so obsessed with finding Kate Middleton is because we grew up with Super Mario Bros and were literally trained to save the princess
William Shakespeare never hugged or cuddled. Lovers called him the “No Holds Bard”.
Being a mother is truly a gift. My son surprised me by stopping in to visit yesterday. Last night when I went to watch TV, I no longer had one.
Me: I need one washer for the sink
Hardware store: They only come in sets of 343 pieces
That’s classic.
There’s aggressive driving and then there’s a parent who is late for a school drop off driving.
wife: [looking at our baby] lets name her after my mother
me: ok
[later]
friend: aww what’s her name?
[at same time]
wife: alice
me: grandma
my landlord charged a pet fee for the ants in my kitchen. i need $48,000,000 by friday or im evicted. how did he count them they are so fast
Thanks to everyone who said nothing while I walked around with my zipper down all morning.
I exercise by keeping the whisky bottle on the far side of the room.
*brings knife to gunfight*
*knife used to cut pizza*
*pizza served & differences resolved*
*last slice up for grabs & gunfight ensues*
[first date]
Her: I just love eating clean and staying healthy, you know?
Me:*flashback to the time I cry-ate two lasagnas* Totally
Matthew McConaughey walks into a bakery…
Matthew: “Can I get three loaves of bread please?”
Baker: “What type do you want sir?”
Matthew: “All rye, all rye, all rye.”
The key to house hunting is knowing that the house is more afraid of you than you are of it.
Tall people are my favourite because I can grab them by the torso and shake them like a tree
Unlike in Westworld, “freeze all motor functions” does not stop my 3yo from trying to wash my phone in the toilet.
me: get out of your own head live in the now
also me: tbh boneless chicken wings have the same flying potential as regular chicken wings
What’s that little “-” in front of the temperature mean?