4: mom, [6] said if I eat my broccoli he’ll give me a prize, will you give me a prize too?
me: well, being healthy and strong is a good prize
4: no
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“Some people say things like ‘you can’t get blood from a stone’, or ‘vegetables shouldn’t scream when you eat them’. Well *chuckles* we here at Monsanto laboratories have spat in the face of God once again….”
Imagine the alien whose first encounter with a human is somebody struggling to put on their scuba flippers.
me: i’m sorry
gordon ramsay: yes donkey sorry for what?
me: i’m sorry i burnt the quesadillas
gordon ramsay: that’s better big boy
me: look man you’re gonna have to leave this is a private residence
Me: this is my service alligator. he’s trained
Him: it’s not trained. it attacks anyone who gets close to you
Me: like I said, it’s trained
Me on the 7th day of Christmas: hey I’m gonna run to the store. We’re out of maids a’milking
My true love: no don’t
Me: what? Why not?
My true love: just trust me
Working at the bank is:
10% bank transactions
87% helping clients reset their password
40% typing numbers without looking
23% accuracy
If I can only taste 999 islands I’m sending this dressing back.
Beer: When are you coming home.
Me: Right away honey.See. Marriage works. Just choose the right wife.
Me: This whole lockdown is making it very hard to find my soulmate.
Husband: I’m sitting right here.
You can confuse and ultimately disappoint a lot of people if your trick or treating costume is “pizza delivery man”
had to make it
*flashes smile*
*smile calls police*
Me: Man, I’m exhausted! I’m going to get a good night’s sleep tonight.
Toddler: hold my sippy cup
If alcohol has calories and calories are energy then cocktails are energy drinks
In retrospect, “Metallica” is a hilarious name for a metal band.
It’s like a Bob Dylan calling himself “Ol’ Folksy.”
Since I’m working on the pool this weekend, might as well bring this one back.
Me: how are you
Friday: good
“Expecto me to be there”
Harry Potter RSVPing to a party
Whoever named frogs got it 100% right. Those things are frogs
Took a bunch of ibuprofen to keep my tweets from being too inflammatory
[prison riot]
*standing over my origami ducks* “GO AROUND! GO AROUND!”
Hell hath no fury like a woman being told she looks tired.
*me, at the bank, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my 12 dollars lives
[heaven]
IAN: I only regret the things I didn’t do
ME: Me too
I: Like, I didn’t swim with dolphins. You?
M: I didn’t stop poking a bear
Kid: Can we pleeease stop for ice cream?
Mom: What did I just say?!?
Kid: Don’t you remember?
Whoever made this compilation of Mel Blanc screaming in different cartoons is a saint.
Milkshakes might bring the boys to your yard, but burnt garlic toast brings firefighters to your door.
If there are no verbs in your tweet you’re a rebel without a clause. If there are no commas in your tweet you’re a rebel without a pause and if you are a cat who juggles chainsaws then you’re probably a rebel without paws.
[wearing a ‘World’s Greatest Dad’ t-shirt while talking to the bartender]
“The younger one is about 8 and the older one is older than 8.”
12: My favorite band is Green Day
Grandpa: Who the hell is green dog?
Me: Clifford’s cousin