{Outside burning building}
HER: Don’t be a hero!ME: *Very much enjoying my ice cream* I had literally not even considered it.
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My mom enjoyed nearly 4 years as Grandma but thanks to my youngest her name is now Bogma.
Might send husband a nude so he’ll come upstairs. Then I’ll make him help with the laundry.
*sees group of firemen standing around a campfire*
me: hEY leave that little guy alone
Oh to be a house cat and simply slap the shit out of anything in front of me that I do not understand
My BFF asked me to watch her purse while she went to the bathroom.
I asked her what it was going to do.
I’m hilarious. Everyone says so.
*meeting a medium for the first time*
Medium: There’s a maternal figure coming through. She loves you very much.
Me: Are there dinosaurs in Heaven?
If the future is now, then how come the pizza I’m gonna order later isn’t here yet?
Me: I’m hard at work
HR: this is why you’re fired
[Watching Alien: Resurrection]
*Alien dies*
Me: *skeptical* Not buying it.
nurse: time of death
doctor: 4:19—
[i take one last breath]
doctor: it’s still 4:19 you idiot
Shout out to the top 5 suits in the world, 3-piece, zoot, swim, law and birthday.
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
A toddler will look you dead in the eye and ask you if it’s Christmas soon when Christmas was yesterday
If I could be a superhero, I’d be Aluminum Man. My superpower would be foiling crime.
Teacher: What is the world’s laziest creature? You, at the back
Me, at the back: rude
I’m not afraid to go to prison I really need a vacation
[first day as lifeguard]
Kid: *waving dramatically*
Me: hey are u waving at me or those kids behind me?
What are these silent battles people keep talking about? None of my battles were quiet. I literally screamed the entire time because that’s half the fun.
Started hearing a weird rattle in my car, then something fell off and the rattle was gone, did u guys know that 2004 corolla’s had self healing technology?
As my friend confessed, “My teenage daughter never even talks to me,” I struggled to conceal my jealousy.
I already told you Mom I’m NOT high and I’ll be home at 10:70
what if in airbud they put the dog in and they didnt win that coach would feel stupid
The name’s Bond, James Bond. And you are?
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up when I’m choking on a piece of popcorn*
Me: I feel like I’m wearing this bathing suit wrong
Store clerk: Thats a dream catcher
I just got super defensive to my phone when i was cheating on the times crossword
I was like “hey! Maybe i just wanted to know who the protagonist of clan of the cave was for an entirely different reason!”
Nothing confuses me more than a straight up street thug with braces.
It took me 9 self inflicted ER visits, but that nurse finally realized it was love at first sight.
[first day of astronomy class]
So, does everyone get to be an astronaut,
or do we draw straws?