The best thing about sitting next to the white guy with dreads on the bus is no one thinks you’re the one that farted
You Might Also Like
I’m always confused at fancy restaurants. Which spoon do you throw at the screaming toddler?
why r babies always crying u don’t even have jobs
Just saw an ambulance pull into a cemetery, like dude, you’re too late.
[Writing Batman theme]
WRITER: So it starts by saying “Batman.”
PRODUCER: Well that makes sense, just once?
WRITER: 23 times.
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you just make noise for awhile.
PRODUCER:
WRITER
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you say Batman again.
Once I went to a concert and I tried to throw my panties up on the stage but I suck at throwing so they landed in the crowd like four feet ahead of me and I was asking some guy, “Hey can I get my underwear back? Sir. Can I please. Get my underwear back. Excuse me?”
People who don’t follow you but comment on tweets with ridiculously stupid opinions are just hecklers with all the charm of a pedophile.
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
Honest job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I put a lot of effort into looking like I know what I’m doing”
Lmbo
[cats] think i’ll go to another part of the house and scream at god
I don’t get angry at my husband when he annoys me. I just drink his favourite Scotch.
Giving birth?
Passing a gallstone?
Monica Seles tennis match?Possible scenarios from sounds emitted from chic on elliptical next to me
The lion king: 🎶it’s the circle of life!
The lyin king: so yeah he just fell off that cliff
My kids are running fevers and fell asleep on either side of me so now I know how it feels to roast like a gas station hot dog.
Judge: I find him… not guilty
*Tom Brady breathes a sigh of relief*
Cop: *cuffing him* So that’s where the air was, huh? We finally gotcha
i did not spend hours helping you clean your house just to be yelled at for hiding dishes in the oven
My son’s name is Miller if you were wondering if I like beer.
Heads, you give me your phone number, tails you go on a date with me.
*flips coin into ceiling fan, it’s knocked out a window into the sea*
me, when I was a centaur and dropped a contact
What if I’ve been finding a new single sock in the dryer and not losing one, all along?
Mr. Trump, what will you do as President?
TRUMP: I’ll outlaw shredded cheese and only sell blocks
Why?
TRUMP: To make America grate again
I either text back right away or never, because I saw your text, replied in my head but forgot to actually type it.
People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.
Living with downstairs neighbors.. 😅
GUY: Sorry you two broke up. What happened?
ME: Well, like most things, it can be traced to the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand…
I hate when I go to Subway and they barely put any toppings on.
When I take a bite, I want it to look like I went head to head with a garden, and won.
Mission Impossible…😂😎🐒
Scientists have yet to pinpoint why the universe sends a loud car, barking dog or gale force winds past your house just as your kid is about to drift off to sleep.
When your surrounded by idiots, just remember, murder is illegal and sarcasm is way more satisfying.