Roses are red,
violets are blue,
this poem is overused,
just like your mum.
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Uh oh…
Maybe having my husband talk to my son about how he shouldn’t be running a fantasy football league with his friends at school was a bad idea because my husband’s first question was, “What’s the buy in?”
“Everything in moderation,” I whisper as I pour my 8th cup of coffee.
If someone says, “I hate to ask you this, BUT…” you should have 4 designated friends who will jump on you & carry you out of the building like secret service agents.
What did one toilet say to the other?
You look flushed.
#ToiletDay #RubbishJokes
ANDY: I clarified your butter.
ME: Ghee! Thanks!
If I can only taste 999 islands I’m sending this dressing back.
How much chocolate is too much chocolate before it is technically no longer a salad?
massive power vacuum on bluesky atm and i aim to fill it
I still lie about my age when asked. But, instead of shaving years off, I now add years on. If you tell someone you’re 66, they generally just nod in reaction. But, if you tell them you’re 73, you stand a very good chance of hearing, ‘Wow! You look great for 73!’
I have an extreme shellfish allergy so I always keep a single fried shrimp in my wallet in case I need to use it as a cyanide pill
Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.
your body is a ghost factory that takes one lifetime to produce a ghost
You’re 15 and miss the 90’s? Yeah, I’m sure those were the best 2 years of your life. Shitting in your pants and eating dirt.
If you give a man a fish you kinda suck at picking out gifts.
When I was in 2nd grade, a girl in my class had a large pack of crayons. I wanted it. She asked if I would trade her my soul for the crayons. I said yes. But my mom made me trade her back so I could keep my soul & said if I traded my soul away again, I was grounded.
Some dude built his wife the Taj Mahal and I can’t get a DM from a guy that doesn’t have his wife in his profile picture
Is it still a walk of shame if I’m leaving my own house?
It ain’t like I’m proud of what happened in there.
If I liked one of your pics from 12 weeks ago, doesn’t mean I’m stalking you…It just means you haven’t looked nice in awhile
If the person responsible for taking all the teaspoons in the house could return them to the drawer by lunchtime, nothing more will be said about it.
If two parents sit down to help their child with three math problems at 7:00 PM, what time will daddy be sleeping on the couch tonight?
this will be the year i finally unclench my jaw
If I answer my phone and you ask for me by my full name, there’s a 100% chance we’re about to be disconnected.
So excited! I’m taking an online grammar class. No more typos for me.
Nolege is power biches!
Alexa is the ouija board I won’t allow in my own house, but will use in yours.
Let’s take a moment to be thankful that ponytails don’t wag like dog tails when we’re excited.
Ridiculous. He should be in jail
“You look tired”
Well you’re crap at compliments.