I’m not intimidated by a pretty woman.
I’m intimidated by smart women, who happen to be pretty.
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Parenting is a lot like a Tarantino film. Lot of questions and violent screaming.
[being chased by a murderer] can we slow down i’m not wearing a bra
“I’ve an appointment with Dr Patel.”
“Dr Patel is off sick today so-”
[slowly backs away & whispers]
“U people can’t even help yourselves.”
Parents be like “why aren’t you eating, don’t you like my food?” and after you eat a ton, they’ll say “you look a little chubby, maybe you should eat less.”
Mary has her cakes…
Sandra has her cookies…
Jury duty
[Burps] Wow, excuse me.
Judge: You’re excu-STOP THAT!
“The world is finally getting back to normal”
Omicron:
Apparently I have been on Twitter 13 years as of today and I really have to ask myself what the hell I am thinking
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
I am not lying, autocorrect just tried to change “first” to Furstenberg like wtf when I have ever texted Furstenberg?!?
I think parents should choose unisex names for their babies like Parsnip or Brisket.
Planet of the Apps.
I’d make a horrible movie murder victim.When I hear strange noises in the night I roll over and figure, eh, they’ll work themselves out.
Aries: You will be visited by three ghosts this Christmas. They’re all married, so don’t even ask.
Throw away mascara that is empty???? no no no why would I do that? instead I keep them all in my makeup bag and give myself a little game of “which one of these 10 identical tubes is full?” it’s very fun and ruins every single one of my mornings
one mistake some cult leaders make is predicting armageddon will happen on a specific day. embarrassing to explain afterwards. if i ever lead a group of devoted followers i’d keep shit like that pretty vague
Everyone who lined up 30 minutes early to board the plane is gonna be so mad when we all land at the same time.
I was nerding out to a friend over something Harry Potter related in the pub and now the bartender keeps asking me “what can I get you, Gryffindork?”
It’s been 8 months since I joined the gym and no progress. Tomorrow the first thing I’m going there in person to check what’s really going on.
Sure the pilot says “feel free to move about the cabin,” he doesn’t mean it.
Happy Febuary everyone!
*adds resume embellisher to resume*
Recycling in 2019: I’m not an alcoholic haha I just had a party
Recycling in 2020: omg I swear I didn’t have a party I’m just an alcoholic
Toh the desire to sin is so great 😜😂😄🤣🤷😜
[FIRST DATE]
HER: I love babies.
ME *to waiter*: She’ll have the veal.
They’re calling the Patriot thing “Deflategate?” I was hoping they’d go with “Ball-o-caust.”
BEACH BODY TIP: if you find a body on the beach call the police immediately, don’t team up with a hilarious old woman from out of town to solve the crime.
My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.
So I went to the store and bought 5 oranges, but somehow I lost 2 on the way home. Then when I got home I found I had 3 oranges behind the coffee machine — and now I’m officially the guy from the math problem you hated.
Pro tip: Don’t moan when getting a pat down at airport security