The best thing about working at my office is that you can literally use as much toilet paper as you want in the restroom.
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“Do I need to put my shoes back on for this?” is apparently a bad answer when your boss calls you into a meeting
*spits out mouthful of blood* it’s gonna take more than that to kill me
Dentist: for the love of God just floss
Can’t find my belt so I’ll just need to get fatter.
Ever been in a mutual muting? Beauty is, you’d never know.
I try not to snack at night, but the cheese in my fridge haunts me. What if I die in my sleep and NO ONE EATS IT?
Wife: WHY ARE YOU STANDING IN THE KITCHEN NAKED.
Me: Who cares? I’m on a conference call. No one can see.
Boss: Rod can you mute your phone please.
[being held back by fireman as i try to run back in the house during earthquake]
“MY ETCH A SKETCHES”
Some parents sing the Clean Up song, but I just yell “I’m getting garbage bags you better hope you can pick up your toys faster than I can!”
Call your teenage daughter by the dog’s name one time and she doesn’t talk to you for three days. Three wonderful fabulous amazing days.
I play videogames for a few hours and World War 3 breaks out wtf
I had to buy our dog flowers because I accidentally called him our old dog’s name.
Why are bridges so flammable.
Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.
Reached the age where I have to do like 150 healthy things every day just so it doesn’t hurt when I burp.
Guy walking in on me in the bathroom
Me: Excuse me. I’m on the phone.
Cop – Have you been drinking?
Me – No, just taking my photo with R2D2 here.
Cop – Sir that’s a fire hydrant.
*car isn’t exactly where I thought I parked it*
Someone stole my car.
A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn’t know it was even possible to be this jealous.
🎶Somebody once told me the world was gonna roll me🎶
SECRET SOCIETY OF WORLD ROLLERS: Who talked?!
I called a chai latte a “chatte,” and my husband laughed and said that was “actually funny,” and it’s nice to have him finally recognize my genius.
If PRETTY WOMAN starred WILLEM DAFOE.
Jesus H. Christ.
Accidentally mixed up Sudoku and Sepukku again. Long story short it’s a good thing I was already in a doctor’s waiting room
My birthstone is kidney
Them: You’re too pretty to look so sad
Me: Sorry, I’ll try to look more ugly
If you take terrible vacations, it’s more exciting coming back home
Some people are like 5yr olds, they shake heads in agreement, but you KNOW by the look in their eyes, they have no clue what you just said.
Imagine breaking up on the moon but then you have the whole rocket ship ride home together
I almost accused a 10 yr old of stealing my dance moves but it turns out he just really had to go to the bathroom & didn’t know where it was
“How about we go with a gerund, but, like, maybe just half a gerund.”
– How ING Bank got its name