Husbands and wives who never fight,
How does your house get cleaned?
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Welcome to Passive Aggressive Club. We all got here early, but you just take your time.
I tried a onesome before, but I started catching feelings.
If there’s a line up for the hand dryer you can always use the persons shirt in front of you
*taps on a super old dude’s oxygen tank* you know that you can get this stuff for free right
Waiter: may I offer you a cocktail?
Me: yes. Molotov, please.
Forget Prince Charming. I want a bed that changes sheets daily and legs that always feel clean shaven and when the two meet each night the sleep is magical.
Licked a frog once.
He didn’t turn into a prince but he did turn into an ambulance ride.
What’s pink and fluffy?
Pink fluff.
What’s purple and fluffy?
Pink fluff holding its breath.#RubbishJokes #PinkDay
#ThursdayVibe
God: ok u can make one human that’s it
Satan: how do u feel about toupees & the name Donald
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
Your call is very important to us and we’ll answer it once we figure out our new phone system.
[first day as police sketch artist]
“Yes those are dog ears. I wanted to give the killer a touch of whimsy.”
me, standing over a dead body with a scalpel: this is fun isn’t it?
coworker: um. this just isn’t what I had in mind when you asked me to open mike night
[determined not to have any awkward silence during date]
“so, what’s your favorite part of a banana?”
16yo daughter; “I love listening to the oldies!”
*plays The Smiths
Me: Uncontrollable weeping
Who needs Botox when some discreetly placed scotch tape and social distancing are a thing.
Dodgeball but with random people that don’t know they’re playing.
The rumor that I’m secretly creating a zombie apocalypse to generate demand for flamethrowers is completely false
The movie scene where discarded clothes lead to lovers in bed, except it’s my clothes leading to my wife picking them up and cursing me.
ME: What’s the capital of Germany?
SON: G
ME: So college is a no then?!
I’ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can’t find his nuggets.
Even if I’m mad at my wife I should be mature enough not to flush the toilet on purpose while she’s in the shower, but it turns out I’m not.
If nothing else, the iOS7 update has proved it’s usefulness by automatically adding the little accent mark to the word jalapeño for me.
Why are poets thinking that they are the ones tortured and not those who read their poetry?
“How did your grammar competition go?”
I losed
[on the train]
Conductor: Ticket please
Me: *hands it over*
C: Lady this is a speeding ticket
M: *sighs* That’s why I’m on the train
A suspect in the Pearson gold heist has been arrested after flying into Toronto from India. Unfortunately, he flew in with Air Canada so all the evidence on him has been misplaced or damaged.
batman: i caught the penguin
judge: bail is set for $0
batman: isn’t he a flight risk?
judge:
batman: oh right
I was so anxious to social distance myself from my wife today that I went out and picked weeds in the yard.
[doctor’s office]
ME: I’m here for my test results
[the vulture perched above his desk shuffles impatiently]
DR: I have some bad news…