Mugger: give me everything you got
Spice Girls: Oh tell me what you want what you really really want
Mugger: ok nevermind
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she’s going to make a soup or a hearthy stew perhaps
FIREFIGHTER: You need to get out of here [dodges falling support beam] right now!
ME: [staring at toaster waiting for pop tart] come on come on
All peanut butter is crunchy if you mix chocolate chips into it.
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
THERAPIST: As a young boy, did your mother ever treat you badly?
ME: As far as I know *pauses to think* my mother was never a young boy
Me: *rubbing bread on a dog*
Friend: When I said pet with the grain
[Me as an Italian language translator]
Police: Ask him where the money is hidden.Me: Spaghetti tortellini Benghazi Fibonacci cappuccino.
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me “William, HELLO!”
college is weird bc you have to approach some profs like “dr. [redacted] i am begging on my knees for you to excuse my absence on this date like the pitiful worm i am” and others you can just email like “mary this piece of shit skunk won’t get off my porch. i’m staying home”
ME: “I’ll have a rum & coke.”
HIM: “I can’t serve you.”
ME: “Because I’m too drunk?”
HIM: “No. ’cause this is a hardware store.”
Little did I know the first time I bought a 3-pack of condoms that I was buying a lifetime supply.
Can you cross-breed tropical birds? I want to try, but I’ve got nothing toucan-parrot-too.
just make the entire table out of coaster
*opens can of Pringles*
*finds my lost keys*
Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.
I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.
I took the garbage out even though it was raining. “Hero” is a strong word, but accurate in my case.
[maintains eye contact while slowly rearranging the dishwasher]
Avocados are like children. It’s important you spend a lot of quality time with them so they won’t go bad…
I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.
Dear autocorrect, please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.
doc: [looking at clipboard] no no this isn’t good at all
me: omg why god whyy
doc: i asked for goldenrod and this form is ivory
me: wait, i’m not dying?doc: whoa there, hold your horses
I’m gonna start giving bad news to people in that cute, high pitched voice I use to talk to kids and dogs.
* Dentist is singing along to a Maroon 5 song as he’s drilling in my mouth.
Me: (holds up finger to pause)
Can you turn that up?Dentist: The music?
Me: No. The drill.
Dentist:
Why don’t men ever think to do helpful catcalls like “YO SEXY THE SIDEWALK IS CLOSED AT THE END OF THIS BLOCK – CONSIDER REROUTING, MAMI!”
(Puckers up & makes best kissy face)
Officer taking mugshot: Stop that.
Ladies, the word for the day is “legs.” Spread the word.
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says,
“Five beers, please.”
Pretty sure I’ve gotten as far as I’m going to get in life on my looks.
Narrator: He he not gotten very far.
Some days you’re the dodgeball, some days you’re the face
Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?