My husband kept me up last night playing Call of Duty on his phone, so this morning I changed his ringtone to someone farting, and then called him repeatedly when he went to the gym.
You Might Also Like
You ever leave cardboard on the frozen pizza, and it starts smoking, and your family bans you from using appliances because you burn shit up?
Me neither.
If my dad asks, there’s definitely NOT a karate tournament in our house tomorrow at 3.07pm *wink*
Over all these years, you’d think I’d remember how important the “L” in clock is…especially when asking mom if I can borrow dad’s.
It’s only my second day picking up my son from pre-school, and I’ve already learned the best question to ask if you want more than a one-word answer: Did anyone get in trouble today?
My advice for new parents is that when you feed your child their first chicken nugget to go ahead and start preparing your answer to the question “is this chicken like the animal chicken?” cause that moment is coming.
I’ve noticed many of my friends are in The Grapefruit Window, which means they’re old enough to enjoy eating grapefruit but not yet on medication that prevents them from eating grapefruit.
listerine whitening mouthwash is just purple shampoo for teeth
I’m guessing the best thing about being a zombie is knowing the dance routine to “Thriller”.
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not a bowl of mashed potatoes.
Me: I can’t, I actually have a nice little date this weekend.
My nice little date:
[describing criminal]
“Blond hair and brown eyes and…uh…what’s with the green paint?”
BOB ROSS: There’s always room for a happy little tree.
The cool side of the pillow just stole my bf.
Him: You’re perfect
Me: Nooooo
Him: Ok, close
Me: Wait what’s wrong with me?
“It’s April Fools Day. I can’t wait to play tricks on Dad ALL day.” – my 5yo. His first trick: Getting him “coffee,” but putting water in his cup instead. He is so excited.
I planted a whole garden full of bird seed this year and not one bird came up. I quit.
My very religious-minded FB friend posted that she and her daughter were going to Netflix and chill today. I don’t have the heart to tell her.
If you think your life is awful my mom keeps track of my “cycle” and just told me that I’m ovulating and that I should mingle more.
I hate when I’m playing air guitar and I break an air string.
TOP 10 ANIMAL OPPOSITES
pencilguin
richcupine
legadillo
cantgaroo
dogerpillar
noneigator
stoprilla
goodger
tellthetruthon
uncleeater
I’m so out of touch with pop culture. My 5-year-old asked if DJ Marshmello was an actual marshmallow and I had to google it.
My kids have absolutely forbidden me from getting on Twitter.
So here I am!
[First day as a hacker]
Boss: what’s taking so long?
Me: adobe needs updating
Standing on the corner with a cardboard sign that says ‘will work around red flags.’
My dog is starting a food blog where she writes about the delicious flavors of the various paper napkins she finds and eats.
Anyone have a recipe for chocolate covered strawberries?
“OMGJK” -atheists
A cat has contracted the COVID-19 disease. Don’t ask Meow
“I think I have ADHD, doc”
why?
“I keep forgetting where I parked my Ford”
that’s not-
“yeah I keep losing my Focus”
get out of my office
I was doing a bench press and a spider dropped on my face.
Not dropping the weights is now my greatest accomplishment in life.
ex: do you still have feelings for me?
me: yes.
disgust.