The #AshleyMadisonHack is getting out of hand. Site just revealed that I’ve been cheating on my diet. I’m not even sure how they’d know that
You Might Also Like
That walk of shame when you fail at throwing a ball of paper into the garbage.
Do you ever eat an individual-sized bag of chips and wonder what kind of “individual” only eats seven chips?
*watches TV*
GET AN ANONYMOUS ONLINE QUOTE NOW!
*logs on*
“You’re a giant idiot and your parents are very disappointed in you” – Anonymous
why do we call them railroad tracks and not training lines
Me: Empty the dishwasher, please.
10 y/o: Can’t…need to work on my business idea.
Me: What’s your business idea?
10y/o: I’m gonna charge anyone who pets our dog.
Me:
10y/o:
Me: Do you need a partner, and how much we chargin?
Sex at 20: yes baby rearrange my guts
Sex at 40: be careful my gut is still a little bloated from all those bread sticks
Everyone knows there’s no such thing as a zombie army. The proper name is the Marine Corpse.
My boyfriend talks to everyone while I stand by quietly planning my escape.
“Dollars to donuts” is my most frequent currency conversion.
Trump wants to ban Muslims but if we learned anything from Prohibition it’s that people will just make Muslims in their bathtubs.
the year is 2025. ur child comes home from their first day of school saying they made a friend. ur ecstatic. there are numbers in his friend’s name and u think to urself ‘odd but ok.’ u call to set up lunch with the young robot’s parents. a tesla pulls up and u realize ur mistake
Yes officer, I’d like to file a restraining order against my dentist’s appointment reminder system.
HER: Mmm you smell good.
ME: Thanks. I use both my nostrils.
me in 2018: surely next year will be better
me in 2019: well at least it can’t get any worse than this
me in 2020: *walking into the ocean holding a brick in each hand* ok bye
My family: u about to go to work???
Me in my work clothes:
“I came downstairs for a zip of juice and noticed the tv was gone so I called you guys”
[cop stops writing] did you say zip of juice?
“My brother’s coming over for dinner.”
Ugh, is he still talking only in country names?*brother walks in* “Chad Hungary. Jamaica Turkey?”
“That’s a lot of food” I say as if I’m not going to eat it all.
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but rather it is giving her the tools to enable her to obtain those things for herself” I reflect as I apply the finishing touches to my 5 year old‘s flamethrower.
*pregnant wife wakes up*
I think my water broke
*I hide the Kool-Aid packet and water jug I spilled in bed*
Let’s go to the hospital
SEXY POTATO: Hey buddy, my eyes are up here, and over here, and down here, and around here and
SO SPEAKETH THE OUIJA BOARD, “N E W N U M B E R W H O I S T H I S”
That time I pointed out to the guy trying to sell a magazine subscription that I have a “No Soliciting” sign and he rolled his eyes and said, “Yeah but I’m not soliciting, I’m selling”. Thus ends the tale of why I have a “do not disturb” sign.
I hate everything
me: wHaT iS It DocToR
dr: you have a disease that makes you mock people
me: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
dr: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
I was confused when my wife asked me what I spent $108 on at the liquor store. I answered “liquor?”
All is not a trick question. Apparently
Me: don’t 🙏🏼 judge 💜 other 🌈 people 💕 be kind ✌🏼😇
Also me: anyone who likes the new Taylor Swift song has a rotten brain parasite
Waitress: Welcome to the Karma Cafe
Me: What do you sell here
Waitress: Just desserts
🎉Made my last car payment 🎉
I still owe a lot but I’m just not paying anymore
How do girls remember every word of an argument? I don’t remember what I had for dinner and I’m eating it now