Evolution: so I have some good news and some bad news for you
Dung beetle: what’s the good news
Evolution: you won’t ever have to worry about student loans
Dung beetle: phew wow that’s great! What’s the bad news?
Evolution: well
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Like dad use to say, if it ain’t broke, obviously my kid hasn’t touched it yet.
Good times!
The guy who thought up Super Mario must have had a very complicated relationship with turtles
The lady in the spice commercial was haphazardly pouring her vanilla extract. Do you know how much vanilla extract costs, lady?
I got this “breathe” tattoo because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
My unemployed friends on a Wednesday at 1:30pm
Guide to making everyone hate you:
Step 1) Turn your hat backwards
The Purge: Valentine’s Day
My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started early.
I don’t want to imply I was anything special in college but I was the president of the Ramen Club for 5 years, probably would have been 6, except my parents gave me an ultimate that I needed “to stop putzing around and graduate already.”
My wife just threatened to kill me in my sleep, which seems much less horrifying than being killed wide awake. She’s always been thoughtful.
“You’re attachment is too large,” my computer tells me.
I blush. “My eyes are up here,” I respond coyly.
going on an overnight trip, better pack 7 shirts and 9 pairs of underwear for some reason
my birthday is tomorrow on the Ides and I’m excited to celebrate by doing what Julius Caesar SHOULD have done: staying home and avoiding my friends
I’m not to thrilled with our solar system.
I rate it one star..
Hello consequences, my actions went that way.
Kinda thick horizontal curvy line, two thinner curvy vertical lines, squiggly line, different thicker squiggly line
-Japanese spelling bee
(3am, my kid wakes up)
Me: *Pretends to be asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be more asleep*
Me: *Pretends to be even more asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be even way more asleep*
I used to worry I was too sexy to be taken seriously. Life has proven me wrong, but not in the way I’d hoped
Ya remember when arguing with people on the internet was fun?
Yea. Me nether.
The difference between running and jogging is that runners compete in races and joggers find dead bodies on Law and Order
My muscle memory: Remember when we had abs?
Me: *presses “Continue” on Netflix
PATIENT: my stomach is killing me, doc
DR DOG: I’ve got just the thing for you *hands him a prescription bottle filled with grass*
Murder of crows on trial according to the probable caws statement.
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE-“Carl, you’re fired. You’re a horrible mortician.”
If you don’t have one final pee, “for the road,” are you even over 40?
If satan isn’t real then who invented 3rd grade recorder flute concerts
i’m so bad at rock-paper-scissors, last time i accidently joined a street gang.
my Playstation got stolen… i have no one to console me.
My neighbor shouldn’t put up a fake graveyard for Halloween if she doesn’t want me getting drunk and performing Thriller every night at 2AM.
likes 853 pics in your media, don’t make this awkward boo.