*gets Ouija board*
Spirits, are there Pringles in the kitchen?
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If you try and fight South Park they will just turn around and do another episode about you. 😬
“First time caller, long time listener” is a creepy thing to say if you aren’t calling a radio station.
Many experts believe that the first person to live to 200 years old has already been born and all I can say is it sure as shit better not be me
Therapist: Did someone refer you to me?
“Yes, everyone.”
I set an alarm when I’m napping just to make sure I’m not late for my second nap.
Nurse: *handing me a newborn* You got this?
Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese
[first date]
Me: I’m a very reserved person
Me: [5 minutes later] if aliens abducted me no one would miss me
Thank you to all those people doing boring jobs with titles we don’t understand.
[God creating bees]
GOD: make some of them fuzzy
ANGEL: thats good
G: make them sting
A: okay
G: and let’s give them teeth!
A: too far
Waiter: Can I see your ID?
Me: I used to duct tape my discman so the AA batteries didn’t fly out.
Waiter: What would you like to drink?
I’m convinced the first ‘Kirsten’ was a typo. Everyone was like, “Yeah, obvious misspelling but she’s pretty cool so whatever,” and now we can’t get rid of ‘em because we let that first one slide
Ah, tax refund season again. I wonder which appliance will break this year?
Took my twins to their swim class and the coach showed them how to float on their backs then asked if they had any questions. My boy twin asked if there was any cake and I think it was a fair question
When I was having an affair with twins, people used to ask how I told them apart. Well, Sue had brown eyes and Steve had a moustache.
I’ve noticed that my parents talk about ‘the good old days’, they always seem to stop at 1979. Which is great, because that’s also the year I was born,wait… What?
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wearing my wife’s clothes standing in the mirror.
studying the Sphinx using Pharoahdynamics
When your workplace is in chaos but your shift ended 6 seconds ago
DAUGHTER: What if the moon isn’t big and far away, what if it’s close but really small?
ME: Haha, no it definitely isn’t.
[2AM]
ME:WIFE: Go to sleep.
ME: What if it is though?
Russian roulette, except it’s me sneezing three times in a row while driving
EVERY SENTIENT & NON-SENTIENT CONGLOMERATION OF MOLECULES ON THIS EARTH HAS A BF. WTF.
Age 8: “Being a werewolf would be fun!”
Age 18: “Being a werewolf would solve all my problems.”
Age 28: “Being a werewolf is an escapist power fantasy for emotionally stunted children.”
Age 38: “Being a werewolf would be fun AND it would solve all my problems!”
[puts key in lock]
DO YOU AGREE TO NEW TERMS & CONDITIONS?
“sigh.”
*Accept
[door opens, rooms are smaller, furniture is moved]
Dog: “Moooo!”
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!!!”
(Seductively takes baby dragon out of Gucci purse & lights cigarette.)
Me (as bridesmaid):
*up at alter holding bouquet*
WAIT! STOP THE WEDDING!Priest: *stops talking*
Me: *runs down aisle and out of the church to catch ice cream truck*
The DMV is karma’s revenge for every traffic violation you’ve ever gotten away with.
COP: Do you know why I stopped you?
HIM: We were going too fast?
COP: Yes. Get to know her first. Don’t just talk about yourself either.
she has a point
We should be able to pick our zodiac sign, like choosing your piece in Monopoly: “Nope I’m not playing today unless I can be the crab or the lion”