If someone says, “I hate to ask you this, BUT…” you should have 4 designated friends who will jump on you & carry you out of the building like secret service agents.
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HUSBAND: Why are you late?
ME: I was at church.
HUSBAND: I find that hard to believe. Did they have a breakfast buffet or something?
haha how about we make a pact if we’re both single in 6 seconds we get married?? haha look how nervous u are. times runnin out tho
“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza
“My New Years resolution is to become the guy that tries to start a conversation with you as you leave the room”, I’ve been saying to all my co-workers when they start to leave the room.
If you remove all the segments where they tell you what’s coming up, Dateline is actually only 13 minutes long.
Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.
Today my coworker asked if I wanted to hold her new baby and neither of us were prepared for me saying why?
If my wife ever hired a private detective to follow me, it would be to get pictures of me not using the coupons I said I used.
6-year-old: Santa’s not real.
Me: That’s right.
6: So I can be bad.
Me: That’s wrong.
me before getting into birding: OMG SHUT UP BIRDS IT’S 5AM
me now: OMG SHUT UP CAROLINA WRENS, INDIGO BUNTINGS, AND TUFTED TITMICE IT’S 5AM
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take,” I whisper to myself as I hit send on that sixth unanswered text
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
Giving the guy at the park with a machete a wide berth.
This South Beach diet is BRUTAL. I can only eat a sensible face for breakfast, a sensible face for lunch, then just CELERY for dinner.
The reason a dog has so many friends is because he wags his tail instead of his tongue. 🐕
Remember, you can become haunted by a ghost whenever you want. You’re an adult.
Ladies, if he can’t appreciate fruit jokes…
… you need to let that mango.
Interview
Boss: Greatest weakness
Me: Sometimes I answer questions with 90s rap lyrics
B: Is that here on your resume
M: Whoomp, there it is
Letting the grocery bagger bring my groceries out sounds nice but I can’t handle trying to remember where I parked in front of a stranger.
Me When I’m Sick: *very careful not to cough around my kids, tries to wipe down the surfaces I touch, don’t share food with them etc*
My Kids When They Are Sick: *sneezes directly into my mouth*
[Cops have a warrant for my arrest]
Cops: you’re coming with us!
*Plays the Benny Hill theme on my phone & runs away*
Foot chase ensues.
Thunder is fake. It doesn’t even sync up properly with lightning. There’s some guy who waits till he sees lightning and then he presses the thunder button.
Have kids so you can be done with your Christmas shopping & they can hand you their “updated” list which includes nothing you bought.
imagine a dolphin. now imagine a small dog. folks there is plenty more where that came from
If a cop yells at you to GET DOWN just start twerking cause damn, dude, be more specific
So my 5 year old’s stuffed owl and his stuffed mouse are best friends, and I don’t know how to break the news to him…
Mans got denied a plate and walked off. 😂😂😂
Okay I’m getting out of bed to go check my lottery tickets. If you don’t hear back, the money changed me.
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE GYM, BABY! AGES THREE TO NIIIIINNNNE!” – Axl Rose, playground monitor.