The Assassin.
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“I have so much to do” she says, staring at a tree for five years
I child proofed my entire house…
and they still got in
[Stranded after plane crash]
ME: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstGUY: But why, pacifically?
ME: Ok I’ve made my choice
Today we break bread and give thanks. Tomorrow I will throat-punch you at Wal Mart.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
Tomorrow I’m definitely going to start running, no matter how many days it takes!
Dad: [tied to chair] You’ll never make me talk.
Bad Guy: *pulls back a velvet curtain revealing a wall with hundreds of thermostats*
One of my friends had a baby today, and another got a puppy. I think we all know which one I’m going to visit.
marriage advice: if you ask “is that guy a double agent?” enough times your husband will hand you the remote.
Well maybe don’t invite me over if I can’t rearrange your furniture.
My favorite romance novels begin with “Preheat oven to 350 degrees”
Mary: oh no my period is late
Joseph: oh no how late
Mary: I dunno, what’s the date
Joseph: hmm according to the calendar it’s 9 months BC
Mary: 9 months what now
Dear women who just gave birth,
Stop naming your child ‘Khalessi’.
Sincerely,
The rest of the human race
Kids these days will never know the exhilarating danger of going 60mph down a burning hot metal slide.
Each time I use an exclamation point, I feel as if I’m shooting my sentence out of a t-shirt cannon.
[On a first date]
Her: So, what’s your favorite food?
Me: Bacon
Her: Okay. Who’s your favorite actor?
Me: Bacon
Her: I see. Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Bakin’
Her: (Deep Sigh) What do you do for work?
Me: I bring home the…
Her: WAITER CHECK PLEASE!!!
[5:00 AM, in a harsh whisper]
Daddy, don’t worry, you can sleep. I’m making my own breakfast, how do you turn on the stove?
Me: I’m up.
Fun Fact:
The human brain isn’t able to register typos or grammar errors until after hitting teh Send button.
ME: {strips naked and stands on scales} Great! Looks like I’ve lost a few pounds.
STORE MANAGER: Sorry sir, but these scales are for fresh produce only.
i show up for work with my head stuck in a turtle neck sweater with eye holes cut in it
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
That awkward moment when he asks you if you’re mad and you assure him that you’re very happy and he says…
“No, I meant, you seem crazy.”
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
Football player: please God, let my team win
God: ok sure, that’s simple enough
Football player on other team: God please let my team win
God: oh no
Neighbor thinks I’m stalking her. Any time she hears a noise she is purified. Petrified!
Sorry, not easy reading a diary thru binoculars.
I can tell you from experience that the “fake it till you make it” saying is true for most things in life, just not flying a helicopter.
flight attendant: would you like two peanuts
me: please
fa: thimble of soda
me: ok
fa: move your seat back 1/8″
me: oh gosh no, I don’t deserve to travel in this much luxury
sad day today because:
1. my fish in the aquarium is missing.
2. my cat won’t eat his dinner.
everything i’ve learned about megan fox and machine gun kelly has been against my will
“i hope this email finds you,” she threatened