My main concern about having kids with my boyfriend is he’ll see me & our two-year-old together and be like “wait they kinda act the same”
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[end of a date]
her: we should have dinner again
me: thanks but I’m full
a restaurant that rubs your shoulders while you eat mashed potatoes
once again my favorite hobby, lunging at people in parking garages, has landed me in hot water
my biggest fear is a kiIler saying some funny shit whiIe im playing dead
me: what’s the difference between an american and an australian spider?
date: i don’t know
me: one is a spider you idiot
A very busty woman whispers to me “I want you to tell me if these look real” my eyes widen, then she takes out pictures of the moon landing
*Hits Rock Bottom*
Dwayne Johnson: I have a boyfriend.
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who still has to sometimes call for help because he fell into the toilet while pooping.
I’ve been misusing the term “sunk cost fallacy” for years but it’s too late to stop now.
Gas prices are so high I’m riding my Roomba to work
My brother called to tell me specifically that his Zoom party really took off after he told everyone the story of the one time I took a chance & overcame my shyness & went to buy a guy at a club a drink at but it turned out the guy was a mannequin & part of the décor.
As everyone was arguing about politics, no one saw me leave with the pecan pie.
I can be very helpful at the store, a lady had the fixings for pasta in her cart so I threw in some garlic bread because I knew she’d forgotten, I mean what psycho doesn’t eat garlic bread with pasta.
Me: Can I order the conch fritters please?
Waitress: The “ch” is pronounced like a “k”
Me: Okay Bick.
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’m into this
I just watched my son get a knot out of his shoelace with the tine of a fork and then put it back in the silverware drawer and OMG! HOW MANY TIMES HAS HE DONE THIS?!
If you want to hide something from me, put it in the fridge. there are several things there celebrating birthday
when people make fun of me for reading fiction, I don’t get mad. I simply invite them down into my cellar for a glass of fine vintage. they have never read Poe; they have no idea what’s coming.
tried to stop my dog from swallowing a hammer but it was tool ate
When the vet gives my cat a pill vs when I give my cat a pill.
[going thru airport security]
“Please turn your laptop on”
*I start to stroke it’s audio input*
“That’s not what I-‘
Me: No no it likes this
CBS: “Tom Petty is dead.”
Tom Petty: “Don’t do me like that.”
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
I haven’t been to France, but I saw Ratatouille, so I get it
I hope there’s a special place in hell for the guy who, right as the Zoom meeting leader was wrapping up, self-indulgently pontificated for five minutes and extended the meeting thus forcing me to involuntarily test the microphone “mute” feature with an epic string of expletives.
My neighbor Totoro just planted like five hundred trees overnight. Big mistake pal. Prepare to face the full wrath of the homeowners association.
*during sex
Any way I could convince you to make some velociraptor noises?
I am, perchance
Me: and from this day I vow never to rest until vengeance is paid and justice pours down like the blood of our enemies
Priest: uh— th—the bride has also written her vows