Text my grandma if she wants to go to the grocery with me she replied 🔥
like is that hell yeah or does she want to burn it down
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I hope zombies will come from Mexico.
After eating their way through fat Americans, they’ll be like “Sorry little Canadians. We’re full.”
I told my kids we get visited by the Easter Chicken because bunnies don’t lay eggs.
“Now you sound ridiculous,” said 8.
10 years ago today, I married my best friend…
My wife’s still really angry about it but me & Dave were drunk & thought it was funny
*vows*
Groom: I love you so much, & publicly, in front of all our friends, I want everyone to know, Die Hard is in fact, a Christmas Movie!
The weatherman keeps saying we are getting a pounding.
*Followed*
Doctor: This makes no sense. The ultrasound isn’t finding your baby
Wife: Haha, well I guess we know who he takes after
Waldo: *from behind a curtain* That’s my boy
Man: “I think I saw a UFO last night”
UFO with fake moustache: “Nah, it was probably one of them optical gases or something”
Oh, you think it’s “awkward” going to a wedding by yourself? Try going when you’ve dated both the bride & groom.
I create my own luck. Also, my own problems. I’m very creative.
I love April Fools’ Day. It’s the only day of the year when people are skeptical of things they read on the internet.
Sometimes I think I’m in love with the woman who drops off the Amazon packages, and sometimes I realize I’m having a Pavlovian response.
Fact: If you blast hiphop at a shallot, it becomes a rapscallion.
Who the hell named it a ” Crop-Top ” and not a ” T-short “?
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
My 10yr old just asked me to stop brushing her brain, when I put her hair up in a pony tail.
[tells friend cat passed away]
Is there anything I can do?
Yes [holds up fur coat] put this on & lie in my lap
But I-
[starts crying]
OK OK
I’m so glad that I took my son to basketball practice last night because I discovered how subpar my trash talking game really is.
Yes liquor store clerk, I do need help. But I decided to come here instead.
On Christmas Eve remember to take a Lexus out for a 24-hour test drive and park it in your neighbor’s driveway with a giant bow on it.
I think the government looks at Twitter and thinks ‘This is WAY cheaper than Asylums’
Grampa always said, “when you leave the house make sure you’re wearing clean underwear…. otherwise the raccoons will attack your anus”.
Grampa lived a weird life.
What’s with the attitude? I don’t know what’s gotten into you but I know what hasn’t.
An absolute travesty that in this day and age we don’t have an app for tracking ice cream men.
Me: Time for bed
7: But can we watch Back to the Future?
Me: No
7: Empire Strikes Back?
Me: No
7: Karate Kid?
Me: I see what you’re doing and I respect it but the answer’s still no
A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.
When I have to reset my microwave it requires I put in the time, day, month and YEAR, why do you need to know the year you self important kitchen appliance, heat the coffee like it’s 1995 it’s the same to me
GEORGE WASHINGTON: We should put “We Trust In God” on our money
THOMAS JEFFERSON: Great idea. Did you get that?
YODA (taking notes): Yep
One thing I’ve learned about this world is that there are always going to be people who want to change you.
-babies
Me on Masterchef: Ive made a roasted pork kebab breaded with buttermilk cornbread and served with a tomato reduction
Them: This is a corndog