Told my 11 and 8 next time I take their electronics away I’d also be responding to all texts they receive.They’ve been well behaved since.
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The way my neighbors are making their trick-or-treating kids skip my door you’d think I was handing out ecstasy pills like last year.
I don’t steal the blankets. Gravity is just heavier on my side of the bed
You take the garbage out and forget to put a new liner in the kitchen trash can and your family throws garbage in anyway because team work.
I don’t get Roomba commercials. Like who spills an entire box of cereal on the floor and is like eh leave it for the robot to clean up
Saw Paul Rudd trending and thought oh god no has he aged very slightly
A friend will bail you out of jail, a best friend knows the password to your phone so they can delete all your nude selfies if you die
I know my kids moved back to school by my credit card alerts
Not to spoil the eclipse for y’all but Bella chooses Edward lol
therapist: Any traumatic events from your past?
me: *deep breath*
therapist: besides the first ten minutes of Up
me: *slow exhale*
[first day working at the pizzeria]
Me [cheeks full like a hamster]: boss, we’ve run out of everything
[breathing]
“I could do this all day.”
Atleast it’s not a pyramid scheme 🤷🏼♀️😂
Lord give me the strength to stop buying a sausage roll every single time I pass somewhere that sells sausage rolls.
Pandas are proof that if you have a cute enough outfit no one will call you fat.
If I were an orthopedic surgeon, I would totally set up shop at the end of a Home Depot aisle
Kid: Mom, the light’s on in my closet.
Me: That’s weird. The monster must be looking for something.
Yesterday’s me was confident enough to pack a bikini. Today’s me now has to live with that poor decision.
job interview tip: show up wearig the exact same thing as ur interveiwer, whispre “dress for the job u want, right?” then just stare at them
Fact: in the wild, gorillas can go hours without checking their phones for notifications.
Pringle’s: Once you pop, the fun don’t stop!
Me: *covered in Pringle’s shards and grease, surrounded by empty tubes* It’s true I’m having the time of my life
[During Sex]
“Hurry up, this isn’t really my house.”
Hello, Gotham Child Services. Oh dear. Both dead? My my. Well, does the child have a Butler that can raise him? Cos it’s a lot of paperwork.
So 10’s school is having PJ day tomorrow and asked the parents who drop off to wear theirs too..
Should I tell them I sleep in the nude or just show up?
In retrospect, Mr. Burns gave me an extremely unrealistic view of how funny a rich guy who controlled everything could be
Engelbert Humperdinck actually chose that name, he was not born with it.
I think about this a lot.
My wife is constantly accusing me of being racist.I dont care what she says,Im black,shes black,it should concern me that our baby is white
*nervous sweating* I’m going to go to the bathroom, did you want anything?
(Me tryna flirt)
The perfect Christmas lights display doesn’t exi……..
Didn’t think the neighbors would notice the new bush, but this note asking me to wear pants suggests otherwise
At 2am, nothing creeps me out more than the shadowy silhouette of my 3 year old.