Being in my twenties in the seventies was a lot better than being in my seventies in the twenties.
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friend: I was named after my father
me: *aware of how time flows* correct
[learning to drive stick]
Dad: hands at 10 and 2
Me: ok
Dad: now go ahead and shift
Me: *sweating*
Dad: shift
Me: *slowly moves hand*
Dad: 10 AND 2 ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL US
31 years old, still bitterly disappointed by what “carpool” means.
So honored that @funTweeters chose one of my tweets! I absolutely love that site! #FF
“HONEY, ITS THE BANK. SOMEBODY USED YOUR CARD TO BUY A HUMAN HAMSTER WHEEL??”
Me [from basement, out of breath] “what”
Dear ghosts,
If you can move stuff around and flicker lights then you can use a mop
“I’ll have a caramel macchiato, hold the espresso & milk.”
“Miss, that’s just a cup of caramel sauce.”
“You heard me.”
Got one kid down for a nap, and another woke up. It was like whack a mole nap style.
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh here comes the tickle monster
Ted Talks how about Ted shut up for once
house sitting!
Plot twist:
“Luke, I am your Mother.” – Yoda
AXL ROSE: Where do we go? Where do we go now? Where do we go-o-o-o?
GOOGLE MAPS: Shut up for a minute and I’ll tell you
If Domino’s was smart, they’d randomly call me asking if they should send over a pizza because the answer would always be yes.
Pay me and I’ll tell you whether or not your kid is actually cute.
Me: *joins a throw pillow of the month club*
Husband: *cries*
Whenever there’s a bee trapped inside my house, I always open all the doors and windows so all the other bees can join it and it doesn’t die alone.
“Eat right and exercise?!?…
I dunno…seems like some kind of a scam, Doc.”
thanksgiving is canceled? you mean I have to wait until next year for my family to get together and roast me mercilessly?
Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..
Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..
Bull: [angrily snorts]
Bulldog: [angrily barks]
French Bulldog: [angrily chain smokes while reading Sartre]
Either I stood up too quickly or this quart of vodka was deliciouser than I thought.
“We’re not buying another toy until Mommy gets laid!” might not be the most appropriate thing to yell in ToysRUs.
yeh i’ll get up soon i just need to look at the internet first. yes the whole thing
My veterinarian asked a lot of personal questions. He was all like “Why do you want so much horse tranquilizer?” & “Do you even own horses?”
Does anyone want to be my internet girlfriend?
Requirements:
– Exist (optional)
– Talk to me (not recommended)
– Send nudes (if you want, not to me though, I don’t know what to do with them)
Most common statement made to me at the class reunion, “I heard you were dead.”
All those Tarot cards and not one person at Burning Man saw this coming.