My husband just bought us a cooking class for date night. Subtle.
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So you’re telling me that the Portuguese women’s football team aren’t known as Portugals?
My kind of messy bun is cinnamon.
“I hate being single,” she lied, lounging in her king-sized bed all to herself
“Hello, my name’s Drew and I’m an addict”
“Sir, this is a cheese counter”
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a cursed object to me.
I asked my wife to pick up some 25yr caulk at Home Depot and she’s been in the bathroom getting ready for hours.
Identify the lie(s) in my spouse’s statement:
“I just need to make a quick stop on our way out of town”
Don’t let that “Metalica” t-shirt fool you. She knows every word to Miley Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball”
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count socks with sandals.
Where are you going?
“Ice fishing”
You know you can just buy ice at the store right?
“No I mean th…”
Or just freeze some water even…
There are 2 kinds of people in this world;
1. People who like math
A. People who hate math
3. People who really don’t understand math
The circles under my eyes are so dark, Animal Planet is following me around filming a documentary about a raccoon out of its natural habitat
microdosing bungee jumping by bending over to pick up a hair tie
Son: Do you know what type of tea the British Army serves?
Me: No, what?
Son: Camo meal
*we tearfully embrace*
Wife: JFC
is nasa ok
Son: I’m scared of bees
Me (very wise): Eventually every letter of the alphabet will terrify you
me: i guess you could say i’m “livin the dream” lol
teacher: sure but why the one where you show up to school naked
(cant remember king kong’s name) you know. the monkey. the big monkey. really big. he hates that lizard. but sometimes he is friends with the lizard? the lizard is also big
A missing 3YO was found inside a bowling alley claw game. After many failed attempts to get him out, police just settled on the turtle doll.
I’m concerned that some of you are experts in your fields of employment.
How many lost cats walk by the telephone pole with their missing flier on it? Just another reason to teach your cat to read.
Him at 1am: Wanna come over?
Me: Sure thing, sexy
-Cut to me crawling out of his TV like that girl in The Ring
uber drivers love asking where you’re from even though they just picked you up from there
Me: I got a new car!
Him: What kind of mileage does it get? What’s the horsepower? How long is the powertrain warranty?
Me: It’s red.
Just saw a Facebook status that said “ironing boards are just surfboards that gave up their dreams and got real jobs” and I laughed out loud… Can’t tell if it’s funny or if I’m just overtired
Been hearing a lot lately about bleaching your asshole. Do you just dump bleach over his head & keep out of his eyes or make him consume it?
God: you’re man’s best friend
Dog: OMG! Love it!
God: yup
Dog: dynamic duo, partners in crime!
God: well..
Dog: two of a kind, 50/50! we make decisions together!
God: you live in a kennel in the yard
Dog: what
I’m automatically suspicious of anyone who seems to really like me. From now on I want to see nothing but tepid enthusiasm from you, Sunshine.
[Google search history]
Moles
How to kill moles
How to make homemade bombs
Rescue moles from cave-in
Dealing with regret
Mole stew
“What should we call this thing in the ocean that is land?”
How about island?
“Seems too obvious”
What if we pronounced it weird
“Perfect”