[first day as Niagara Falls tour guide]
And to the left you can see [frantically flips through your guide] water.
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Based Erika
[Facebook Marketplace]
Me: Selling this guitar amp.
Guy: I will trade you another guitar amp for it.
Me: How does this make sense in your head?
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
Cinderella & Clark Kent would be a fun couple. Any time she took off her shoe or he took off his glasses, it’d be: “Who the hell are you?!”
I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo.
PROPOSAL: Rebrand shootings as “late-term abortion.” Watch the GOP scramble to stop them.
When my goldfish starts acting like a jerk I remind him that his bowl is microwave-safe
*leads horse to water*
“You’re not gonna drink, are you?”
*horse neighs*
“It’s The Fountain of Eternal Youth.”
Horse: You’re not foaling me.
When the battle starts, but it’s also laundry day
me 10m after sprinkling lavender essential oil on my pillow: I am one with all beings
me 10m after getting in my car: learn how to use the left lane you piece of human shit
i used to enjoy weather like “sunny” or rainy” or cloudy” i’m glad that 2023 is showing us that it can innovate and give us weather like “smoke”
At what age do kids actually start washing their hands instead of just getting them wet for 5 seconds?
It’s not 13.
“Children are the world’s most valuable resource and its best hope for the future.”
– John F. Kennedy
[buying condoms]
assistant: would you like a bag?
me: are they cheaper?
On March 17th, 1992, I asked my parents for directions to a restaurant in Brooklyn. As of 7:30 this evening, they’re still arguing about it.
My resume is just an old VHS tape of the “Life Goes On” episode where Corky lip syncs “Fight the Power” for his school’s talent show.
Idea: Eels. Exactly the same storyline as Cats but they’re all eels.
her: come over I’m naked
me: ok I’ll bring some clothes
What if I’ve been finding a new single sock in the dryer and not losing one, all along?
“Oh damn, that’s my bus!”
[girl brings me back to her apartment]
her: come to bed
me: just one sec [velcro noises] [more velcro noises] [too many velcro noises]
This made me smile to an unreasonable degree 😂
sometimes you fall asleep with your phone in your hand like you’re a raccoon clutching a hotdog
– my husband, romancing me
Taking phone security to the next level.
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
I was going to pay my mortgage this month, but I was asked to bring guacamole to the family potluck.
If you want to get more out of people, squeeze them really hard.
Email from my mom: What’s my email address?
When I was little, I didn’t care what I wore. I just went along with what my parents chose.
When I look in old photo albums, l realize that they didn’t care either.