explaining to my toddler that we are actually two different people and I can’t read his mind but I know he used to live in my belly so I see where the confusion is
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“Don’t worry, I’ll hold your stuff. You just worry about making friends.” – Cargo Pants
We go together like that part in the song from Grease where nobody gets the words right
ME: Hey Alexa, is bread a type of cheese?
Hitman that’s been hiding in my closet: [leaving my house] Ok you have your own thing going on.
How do stick men play fetch with their dog?
I once confused a tube of superglue with a tube of lube.
It was horrible.
My model plane kept slipping apart
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
Me: How was school?
11-year-old: It was a normal day.
Me: So it was good?
11: I didn’t say that at all.
I’m smoking, skyping, putting on makeup, tweeting and I haven’t spilled 1 drop of my beer. I’m the best driver ever.
I just saw a skunk and a possum walking through my backyard and i of course assume they’re off on some kind of adventure
I went on 3 dates with Elijah Wood before I realized he wasn’t Daniel Radcliffe
KING1: I bring you gold.
K2: I bring you frankincense.
K3: *drops pot of myrrh* *pot shatters* Oh. I bring you…erm…interpretive dance!
The nurse should wait until after they weigh you to ask if you’ve had any symptoms of depression in the past two weeks.
Just remember, every time someone misuses the word “epic” Zooey Deschanel covers another Smiths song on her ukulele.
{during sex}
Her: Make me scream
Me: *turns on lights
my dog is like me. you can call her and make all the kissy noises you want , she ain’t coming unless it’s her idea.
I come from a long line of successful people.
I decided to stop that tradition.
Top three perverts that see you when you’re sleeping:
1. Santa.
2. God.
3. NSA.
The first rule of Swim Club is don’t talk about Swim Club for at least 30 minutes after eating.
Posting “wow pretty problematic” under every single person’s Spotify wrapped and then responding “it’s not my job to educate you” when they ask what I mean by that.
toothfairy had to leave a note apologizing she couldn’t find the tooth last night despite CLEAR instructions to her customers where the designated tooth pick-up spot is.
Just saw somebody leaving the dispensary in a U-Haul truck. Leave some for the rest of us, cmon
get you someone who looks at you the way this cheetah is looking at this antelope and OH SHIT never mind
My phone autocorrects ‘sex’ into ‘pez’ in case you were wondering just how dead my pez life is.
Can’t tell if they’re hitting on me here?
Me: What fresh hell is this?
Satan: *turns to camera, winks* Thanks, Febreze!
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
The hardest thing about ghost hunting is cutting its head off so you can mount it on your wall
The postman told me he’s off to Spain tomorrow so I asked was he going to Parcelona and he ignored what I believe to be my best joke of 2014
If you know, you know
[stops girl before she walks in the puddle]
“I got this one babe, *pulling out a straw* stand back”