*brings pen to sword fight*
Me: ‘This ending kinda writes itself.’
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‘It’s finally happened,’ I say as my handwriting deteriorates to the point where I can’t read it. ‘I’ve become a doctor.’
After about 15 games, I’m starting to think that none of these fantasies are going to be final.
“I’m going to lay right here in the doorway and give people a dumb look as they trip over me.”- Damned dog…. Could’ve been me though.
Just once i’d like to see a chicken picking out a rotisserie person
If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.
Him: Can you forgive me?
*mental montage of me trying to figure out who this guy is*
Me: Yes, but I’m really hurt so please give me time.
Boycotting the Winter Olympics because it’s too frickin’ cold.
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
i couldn’t do an interview from home i don’t have enough bookshelves to sit in front of
Maroon 5 is playing. The crowd goes mild
Occasionally, the universe will send a sniffly stranger to stand too close to you in the store and inexplicably follow you through a couple aisles. Just for funsies
Let’s just call a cruise ship that’s sailing exclusively for married couples what it really is…….a battleship
Email: You are invited to a virtual—
Me: Nope.
“Watch what happens when the human children hear the sound of their mother eating something four rooms away.”
-if animals made nature shows
If you tell me your kid is 22 months and I buy it a beer, that’s on you. That is your bad.
My cousin told everyone he could do a backflip. We all gathered around him. He said, “I can’t do it if you’re watching.” #MyFamilyIsWeird
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
Someone just told me to dim the lights and called it a beauty tip.
ignorant poors: We need money! Money is so important!
wise rich man: More important than a delicious orange? more important than a beautiful day at the lake house, or a humble Rolls-Royce Phantom?
[alien taking notes]
Humans: Reluctant to common sense gun control, yet somehow completely overreactive when approached by a bee.
My guy friend was like “I went out last night with a girl who is really flexible so you know what that means…” and it’s like, ‘oh yeah, it means your crew has finally found a grease man for the big heist’.
Calling giving something up Lent makes perfect sense because most of the things I’ve lent over the years have never come back.
Take on cheese
(Take on cheese)
Take brie on
(Take on cheese)
Camembert
And fromage
interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
Both hands Mommy!
-my 4yo the backseat driver.
My husband’s solution to us running out of clean cups was to buy more cups. Because not having enough cups was the problem.
Wife: I want to have another baby
Me: one is more than enough
Wife: we have 3
Me: the others know how I feel
You must be radiating feminine mystique because every man in the cafe is looking at you, and then you realize there’s a TV over your head.
Dear ladies,
if you compliment a man’s car when he’s standing next to it, he’ll kick the car’s tires. Please don’t make it weird by asking why we are kicking the car. Nobody asks why you rub nonexistent hair off your forehead when we tell you you look beautiful.
If a shark is ever attacking me I’m gonna be like where are your parents do they know you act like this